


A Day Is Gonna Come

by fanfic814



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Caretaker Dean, Castiel in the Bunker, Comfort Snuggling, Comforting Dean, Comforting Sam, Eventual Sex, Flashbacks, Fluff, Guilty Dean, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Platonic Cuddling, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prostitution, Protective Sam Winchester, Recovery, SO MUCH FLUFF, and a bit of smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-08
Updated: 2016-06-16
Packaged: 2018-05-31 23:34:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 13
Words: 28,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6492160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fanfic814/pseuds/fanfic814
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Dean and Sam reconnect with Cas post-Ezekiel/Gadreel, they find him badly damaged. He has a roof over his head - barely. He's obviously been recently beaten, bruised and scraped up, and he's skittish and scared.  Dean is horrified and devastated to find out how he's been getting by. </p><p>***  I should probably clarify that though I did tag the rape/non-con button, there will be no graphic content referring to it. It's implied in the past, and there won't be many details. This story focuses on the healing and moving on aspect.  Lots of feels, and sickeningly sweet care from Dean (and a lot of assists from Sam). </p><p>(Based on an anonymous SPN Kink Meme prompt, April 2016)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry in advance to my regular readers. The theme of this one may be a little darker than my usual fare. I'll try to tag up any sort of trigger-y stuff as I go along so you can decide if you want to read or not. 
> 
> FYI - Title taken from a song title actually - 'Don't Know When, But A Day Is Gonna Come'. I've been listening to Bright Eyes' album 'Lifted' again quite a bit lately, and it just seemed fitting.

When they walked in to the filthy, rat-infested studio apartment Cas was currently calling home, Sam actually recoiled in horror.

"What a shithole," he muttered. "You sure this is the place? "

Dean nodded. "According to the chick at the Gas-n-Sip." He glanced around uneasily, his eyes lingering guiltily on the dirty mattress on the floor. The only other furniture in the apartment was a pair of dilapidated plastic patio chairs, and he sat down, taking a deep, shaky breath.

Sam was still a bit in shock, having recently expelled Gadreel from his body, but looking at this scene made him want to punch Dean right in his damn face. First he lets some random fucking angel take over his body, then lied about it, all the while kicking Cas out of the bunker while he was human and homeless? He was still working through a lot of rage over the whole situation, but he had to pull his shit together right now to help Cas. Besides, by the look on Dean's face, the guilt he was feeling was probably worse than anything Sam could throw at him. Sam knew he probably would have done the same damn thing in Dean's place, but that didn't make it hurt any less.

Keys rattling in the lock startled them and Dean jumped up, reaching for his gun out of sheer habit, and when Cas appeared in the doorway he immediately drew back in terror.

"Whoa, whoa. Cas, it's just us," Dean said, putting his hands up in a peaceful gesture.

Cas lowered his arms from his face and sighed in relief. "Oh. Hello, Dean. Sam," he greeted them anxiously, his eyes darting back and forth between the two of them. "W...what are you doing here? " His face flushed in embarrassment at the state of his living quarters.  
  
He slunk past them and closed the door, insisting they both have a seat. "I don't have much to drink... can I get you some water?"

"No.  Cas..." Dean started awkwardly. "I uh. Just wanted to say sorry for lying to you about Gadreel. And to thank you for helping get Sammy back."

Cas frowned in confusion. "Of course. Don't mention it. "

Dean sighed. He had never been good at articulating himself, particularly when it came to heart-to-heart talks. _Dammit, just say it, Dean._  "I want you to come stay at the bunker," he abruptly blurted.  

Cas's eyes widened a bit as he stared for a minute.

"Why?"

"Because I should have told you that in the first place! I never should have kicked you out. I just didn't know what to do about Sammy. I was so afraid I'd lose him and..."

"Dean. I told you. It's forgiven," Cas said. "You did what you had to do. It was the right decision."

Dean stood, rubbing his forehead in frustration. "Cas, I'm so sorry, " he said, lunging forward to wrap him in a huge bear hug.

Cas suddenly yelped and froze in place, his hands up against Dean's chest.

"Fuck," Dean muttered as he pulled back. "I'm sorry. You okay? " he asked, squinting at him in confusion.

"Y...yes," Cas said unconvincingly as he backed away. He was panting heavily as if he'd just seen a ghost. "F...fine. I just... need to sit down for a minute. "

Sam glanced at Dean and frowned. He wasn't quite sure what just happened, but Cas was suddenly acting cagey and anxious. He decided to make some small talk to try and calm him.

"So... how are things the Gas-n-Sip? " he asked awkwardly.

Cas sighed. "It's okay. But they've cut me down to ten hours a week. Boss's son is back and needed a job I guess..."

"So are you making enough to keep this place, or...?"

"I manage."

Dean huffed loudly, completely pissed off by how awful things were going for Cas. This was all his fault. Cas was living in squalor, barely scraping by because of another stupid mistake he had made. He stood quickly and walked to the refrigerator, mostly in an attempt to hide his watery eyes. He opened the fridge to look at a whole lot of nothing and his heart sank just a bit deeper.

"Um. Sorry. I haven't been grocery shopping in a while, " Cas said anxiously.

Dean nodded, deep in thought. "When was the last time you had a decent meal?"

"I eat at the Gas-n-Sip, usually. I don't need much," he insisted.

"So you, what? Grab a hot dog at the Gas-n-Sip the one or two days a week you work there?"

"I get a little more than that. But I don't need much, " Cas repeated weakly.

Dean turned his back to him again and wiped at his eyes. "Well. Pack your stuff. You're coming with us."

"I wouldn't want to be any trouble..."

"You're not any trouble, Cas! You're family!" Dean yelled in frustration. God, he needed to get out of here before he started bawling like a baby. He had no idea how bad things had gotten.

Sam, sensing the need for a private moment between the two of them, quickly stood and strode toward the door. "I'll meet you in the car," he said, leaving Dean behind to help Cas pack up.  
  
Dean located some plastic shopping bags and began tossing Cas's items in.  Thankfully he didn't have much to pack.  "So Sam fixed up a room for you," he said, struggling to find something to talk about.  "You've even got your own mini-fridge in there." 

"That's very kind, " Cas said softly. "But Dean, I can't afford to pay much. The rent here is cheap and... maybe I can find another way to compensate you..."

Dean interrupted. "You're not paying anything! We're not charging you rent, Cas!  Sheesh."

"But... "

"No! Cas, you're living with us and you're not paying anything. Like I said, you're family." 

Cas's eyes were shining with tears as he packed his few meager belongings. "You're too kind..."

Dean shook his head, the weight of the world suddenly weighing heavily on his shoulders. "Well I think that's about everything. Let's go," he said, patting Cas on the back firmly.

Without warning, Cas fell to his knees nearly doubled over in pain, and Dean flew into action.

"Cas? What happened? " he asked as he knelt down next to him.

"It's.. it's nothing," Cas gasped. "I... um... must have pulled something carrying boxes at the Gas-n-Sip. "

Dean frowned. A good pat on the back shouldn't have caused that sort of reaction. "Cas, take your shirt off," he said firmly.

"What? No, I'm fine..."

"Take your shirt off," Dean demanded again, drawing closer to him and gripping the collar of his shirt.

Cas flinched and pulled back in a cowering position with his arms covering his face again. "Okay! Just don't hurt me!" he pleaded.

Dean stood there staring in absolute bewilderment. "Why would I hurt you?"

Cas was trembling as he unbuttoned his shirt. He let it drop and stared shamefully at the ground.

"Cas..." Dean said slowly. "How the hell did this happen?" Cas's body was covered in a number of scrapes and bruises, including large, deep purple one across his back.

"I... don't know," Cas fumbled, still staring down at the ground. His eyes were watering though he was trying his best to hold them back.

"Cas..." Dean said angrily.

"Okay! He... was a lot stronger than me. But I'm sure I deserved it. I probably did something to piss him off."

"Who's 'he'?"

"I don't know his name," Cas said, chewing at his bottom lip nervously.

Dean rubbed his temples in frustration. "How can you not..." He paused suddenly as a horrible thought gripped him. "Cas, you haven't been..." He wasn't sure he could finish that sentence, so he tried again. "How have you been making ends meet, Cas?"

"However I've had to," Cas replied quietly, still not daring to make eye contact.

All the air rushed from Dean's lungs at once, and he suddenly felt like he was going to vomit. Finally it was all coming together in his head. Cas had been fucking _selling himself_ to survive, and it was all his fault. And clearly one or more of these people had hurt him badly, judging not only from the bruises, but also from the jumping and flinching every time anyone came too close. Dean was never in a million years going to be able to forgive himself for this.

"Put your shirt back on," Dean said softly. "Let's get you out of here."


	2. Chapter 2

Dean pulled a Bad Company cassette out of the case and popped it into the Impala's tape deck as he searched for the nearest diner.  He didn't have a lot of 'soothing' tunes, but he felt like a little music might calm Cas, who was still looking a little jumpy in the back seat of the car.   When he finally spotted a roadside truck stop diner, he pulled into the parking lot and cut the engine.

"C'mon, Cas.  Let's go eat."  He and Sam piled out of the car and waited expectantly for Cas to follow.

"No!  No, I can't go in here.  Y...you can both go," he stuttered, shaking his head vehemently.  He was huddled in the back seat under Dean's old jacket, rocking back and forth as if trying to calm himself.

Once again the brothers exchanged worried looks, and Sam shrugged.  "I guess we go somewhere else."

Dean nodded somberly and climbed back into the car.    
  
Twenty minutes later, and well past the bunker, they happened upon a fast-food burger chain.  "How 'bout this, Cas?  This place okay?"  Dean asked tentatively.

Cas looked around and nodded.  "Yes, but I don't need to eat, Dean..."

"Cas, you're coming in to eat and that's final.  Come on," Dean said, getting out of the car and opening his door for him.

Cas nodded and followed, eyes to the ground.

Minutes later, Dean slid into the booth with a tray piled high with food.  "I remember how much you used to like their burgers," he said, handing one to Cas.  "So I grabbed a bunch.  Help yourself," he said, gesturing to the tray.

Sam reached over and grabbed his salad and grilled chicken wrap, leaving the tray of burgers and fries for the two of them.

"This is too much," Cas said softly.  "Maybe I can repay you..."

Dean threw his head back and grunted in frustration.  "Jesus, Cas.  I told you, stop worrying about that shit. Just..." he sighed deeply,  "eat something."

By the time he had unwrapped his third burger, Cas had relaxed a bit.  He almost seemed like his old self as he and Sam made pleasant conversation, talking about a potential case.  For a brief moment, Dean relaxed too, thankful for the quick respite from the thoughts racing through his mind.

Once Cas was settled into the bunker that evening, Sam decided to hole up in his bedroom watching Netflix for the night. Frankly, he was still holding a bit of a grudge against Dean, and though they both knew he'd get over it, he just needed a little time to himself.

Since it was getting late, Dean led Cas up to the spare bedroom Sam had prepared and helped him unpack.

"I put some spare clothes in the dresser if you need them..." he said awkwardly. "These sleep pants are super comfy." He pulled a pair out of the top drawer and tossed them to Cas.

Cas nodded, eyes once again brimming with tears.

"What's wrong? "

Cas shook his head and sniffled. "Nothing. Just. A little overwhelmed. " He sat down on the bed and moved a pillow out of the way. "Sit," he said softly, motioning to the spot next to him.

Dean looked at him questioningly, but sat down anyway.

Almost immediately, Cas threw himself at him, shoving him down on the bed as his mouth latched onto Dean's neck.

For a moment, Dean lay stone-still in complete shock, trying to figure out what the hell was going on.  

"Cas," he finally managed.

"Hmm?" Cas's hand began fumbling with the button on his jeans.

"Whoa, whoa! " Dean yelled, finally shoving him off to the side. "What are you doing?"

Cas's eyes were wide with fear as he backed away slowly. "I... I'm sorry, " he stammered. "I thought I could try to repay you for your kindness... "

Dean closed his eyes and rubbed at his temples in annoyance. "You don't have to do that, Cas! Fuck." 

"Dean, I have to pay my way somehow, and I thought maybe..."  
  
"No!" Dean yelled.  "Just stop it!"  Goddammit, he was on the verge of tears again.  It was bad enough that Cas acted like he 'owed' him for taking him in, but offering to make up for it in sexual favors was breaking his heart.  Jesus, what the hell had Cas been through in the past few months?  
  
"Now I've upset you," Cas quavered, his tears finally spilling over his cheeks.

"No!" Dean exclaimed. "No, I'm not mad," he said, softening his voice. "Don't cry. It's okay. Look, why don't you get ready for bed and I'll patch up your cuts for you, okay? A couple of those scrapes looked a bit infected earlier."

Cas tilted his head in that puzzled way of his, but he nodded and wiped his tears.  He silently stood and rooted through the dresser for a clean pair of boxers as Dean went in search of the first aid kit.

"Alright, just sit on the bed," Dean said quietly as he returned.  "It's gonna sting a little."

Cas took a deep breath and flinched as Dean lifted his arm and dabbed at the scrape across his ribs with peroxide.  "It's funny," he mused.  "When I was fully angel, I wouldn't have thought twice about a cut or bruise.  It would heal up in a few seconds."

Dean nodded.  "Yeah.  Well they take a while to heal.  And they hurt like hell sometimes.  When did this one happen?" he asked, gesturing to the large one across his back.

Cas looked away.  "Two days ago."

Dean gritted his teeth.  He didn't want to pry and upset Cas, but at the same time he wanted to know every last detail so he could find the guy and rip his goddamn throat out.  "You've been breathing funny," he said finally.  "Think you may have cracked a rib?"

"Maybe."

Wordlessly, Dean finished cleaning up his wounds, dressing up some of the bigger ones with large adhesive bandages and antibiotic cream.  "So..." he said as he began cleaning up the mess.  "It's been kind of an emotional day.  You should get some sleep.  There's a shitload of extra pillows in the closet and some more blankets if you're cold..."

Cas smiled faintly.  "This is so comfortable, I think I'll be just fine, Dean."

Dean nodded.  "Are you, uh.  Okay to sleep alone?"

Cas sighed heavily.  "I haven't slept much the last few nights anyway.  But I'm going to try."

"Okay...   I can stay if you want."

"Umm..." Cas looked away anxiously.  

"I... I don't mean in your bed," Dean struggled awkwardly.  "I mean, I could sleep in the chair or something."

Once again, Cas stared at him, looking utterly perplexed. "Why would you do that?"

Dean shrugged.  "If you don't want to be alone, I'll stay.  I don't mind.  However you're comfortable."

Cas brought his thumbnail to his mouth and chewed at it nervously.  "You would?"

Dean nodded.

"If you're sure..."

"Yeah," Dean smiled in relief.  He was afraid he had just said something incredibly stupid.  "Look, I'll just pull the chair and the footstool over, and I'll grab a blanket..."  He started moving furniture around as Cas watched in amusement.  "There." He settled into the chair and flicked the blanket up over his legs.

Cas smiled and climbed underneath his blankets, sliding over to the side of the bed closest to Dean.  "Thank you," he whispered.

"Don't mention it," Dean said, flipping off the lamp.  "Get some rest."  


	3. Chapter 3

Dean made his way down to the kitchen, hoping to sneak out and return before Cas awoke.  It was eight o'clock in the morning, and frankly, he couldn't sleep any more in that damn uncomfortable chair.

"You're up early," Sam greeted him from his usual spot at the library table.

"Yeah.  Need coffee," Dean mumbled as he walked past, fumbling his way to the coffee maker.  Once he had poured himself the biggest mug he could find, he made his way back to the table and sat down.

"How's Cas?" Sam asked immediately.

Dean sighed.  "I've got to go back up and check on him.  Sam..."  he paused.  "I know you're pissed about everything, and I don't blame you but I..."

"I know, Dean," Sam said, closing his laptop abruptly.  "And I probably would have done the same thing in your position, but I'm still pissed. Let's not talk about right now."

"It's not just that. I need to talk to you about Cas."

Sam frowned, his voice suddenly thick with worry.  "What?  What about Cas?  What's wrong?"

"He's been hurt pretty bad," Dean said slowly, not sure if he could spit out all the words he wanted to say.

"What happened?"

Dean rubbed at his face tiredly.  "I think he was kind of... _selling himself_ to get by..."

Sam's jaw dropped for a moment as he stared in silence.

"I... I don't know details or anything.  But someone hurt him.  He's cut and bruised all over.  He was having nightmares, awake crying half the night.  He's skittish and... and he's a little fucked up right now," Dean stammered.  This time, a few stray tears ran down his face before he could will them away, and he wiped at them irritably.  "I...I've got to go back and check on him.  But I think we need to give him some space and be gentle with him for a bit.  Don't raise your voice, or get too close..."

Sam shook his head, looking a little misty-eyed.  "Yeah.  Yeah, I'll be careful.  But... I'm confused.  Why didn't he just use his Grace to smite the asshole?"

"He's weak, Sam.  He's not himself.  He's still eating, sleeping, pissing for God's sake!  He's practically human.  He may have _someone's_ Grace, but he's conserving what little power he's got. I'm sure he used a lot of it when he tried to heal you.  I think he knows he's on borrowed time until he gets his own back."

Sam looked down and rubbed at his forehead.  "This is heavy shit, Dean."

"I know!  And it's all my fault, Sammy..."

"No.  Dean, don't do that."  Sam was inwardly seething, but he wasn't about to take it out on Dean now.  He was clearly feeling guilty enough. "Look, you..."

Dean cut him off, "I gotta go check on him." He took a long, deep, breath and nodded firmly before making his way back up the stairs.

Cas jolted awake as the door creaked open, and he rubbed at his swollen eyes tiredly.

"Hey, Cas," Dean said softly.  "Sorry, did I wake you?"

Cas shrugged.  "It's okay.  I don't sleep well.  Obviously.  I...I'm sorry I kept you awake most of the night," he said, his face reddening.  "I hope you went back to your own bed to sleep?"

"No," Dean said, looking down at his cup.  "I uh, just went down to get you coffee.  Here," he passed the steaming mug over to a grateful-looking Cas.  "Is there um... anything you want to talk about?"

Cas shook his head quickly.  "No.  This whole thing is stupid.  It shouldn't have been a big deal."  He took a sip and set the mug down on the bedside table next to him.

Dean frowned.  "It was obviously a big deal."

"I knew what I was getting into, Dean!" Cas suddenly yelled.  "And it's my own fault that I pissed him off."

"Why in the world would you think someone hurting your is your fault?"

Cas sighed and kicked off his blankets.  He stood and dug through the dresser for some clean clothes.  "I had already agreed to" he paused, " _be with_ him."

"Aaaand.... you changed your mind?"

"I guess so.  That wasn't very fair of me..."  He slipped into a clean pair of pants and one of Dean's old t-shirts, suddenly desperate to hide the markings on his body.

Dean's fists were clenched in rage as he listened to Cas try to minimize what had happened.  "It doesn't matter if you changed your mind! It's not your fault. " he blurted. "You're _allowed_ to change your mind! I've been with dozens of girls who were all ready to go, and for whatever reason, they changed their mind, Cas. Do you think I just went ahead and did whatever I wanted to them?"

"No, but Dean..."

"You're goddamn right I didn't! If someone says stop, you stop. Even if they said 'go' before."

Cas huffed indignantly and slumped back down on the bed. "But Dean..." Once again the tears were flowing, and Dean wasn't sure he could watch Cas cry yet again without completely losing his shit.

"No! No fucking 'buts', Cas! You don't keep going, and you sure as hell don't hurt them until they submit! I don't care if he fucking _paid_ you, you're allowed to change your mind."

Cas sat on the edge of the bed cowering at Dean's outburst.  He opened his mouth to speak, but all that came out was a strangled noise as he started crying harder.

Dean took a deep breath. He had to calm down; he was scaring Cas, and once again, it was getting harder to hold back his own tears. "Can I sit?" he asked quietly, pointing to the spot next to him.

Cas sniffled and nodded.

"Look at me, " Dean said firmly.

Cas slowly raised his eyes to meet his.

"This is not your fault."

"But..."

"No. _It's not your fault._ " Dean said, shaking his head gently. "It's not."

Cas let loose an ugly sob as Dean instinctively wrapped his arms around him, and he gripped him back even tighter. "I tried, Dean. I tried to stop him. I'm not strong like I used to be."

"Shhh. I know. Not your fault, Cas. " Dean was bawling now too, not just for Cas, but the guilt of the past few months was eating him alive.  He was angrier than he'd ever been, but mostly at himself.  This was one fuck-up he just couldn't fix, but that didn't mean he was going to stop trying.  Hell, he was going to do anything he could to make Cas feel better.

"Hey," he said softly.  "Why don't you lie back down for a little bit? It's still early and you didn't sleep much."

"I can't sleep, Dean," Cas sniffled.  "I've been having nightmares.  And my back and ribs hurt anyway."

"What if I go grab you an ice pack and some Tylenol, and then lie down with you?"  Dean asked.  "Would that be better or worse?"

"W...why would you do that?"

Dean sighed.  "Cas... I don't know what to do here.  You're gonna have to help me out, okay?  Whatever you need, tell me."

"Dean, I'm fine.  You've done enough."

"Better or worse, Cas?"

Cas loosened his grip on him and pulled away, wiping frantically at his tears. "That would be weird, wouldn't it?"

"No," Dean lied.  "It's totally fine.  Come here."  He slid back on the bed and maneuvered Cas down onto his back, then he lay down next to him, rolling on his side to face him.  "See?  Not weird, right?"

Cas sniffed and laughed hesitantly.   "It's a little weird."

Dean smiled.  "Alright, it's a little weird.  But I think I can manage.  You?"

Cas nodded gratefully.

"Okay.  I'm gonna go get you that Tylenol and ice pack and I'll be right back."

Cas lay there quietly, wondering what the hell was wrong with him and why he couldn't stop crying.  It was embarrassing, but he just couldn't help it.  It was kind of Dean to say this wasn't his fault, but he still felt like it was. He hated this.  Everything about it - the aching, the feeling so vulnerable and powerless... Okay, he wasn't _totally_ powerless but he might as well be.  Stolen Grace wasn't going to last him forever, and he needed to pick his battles until he was himself again.  A human might hurt him, but an angel or demon could kill him.    
  
Worst of all he was scared - all the time.  At least he was feeling less jumpy around Dean.  Dean's actions had hurt him, but he understood them now.  They had always shared a profound bond.  Perhaps that's why it was easier to be around Dean than anyone else. He still had the urge to try to repay him somehow, but he'd clearly upset him when he tried.  Maybe he could make up for it in other ways.

"Here, Cas," Dean said, returning with a few pills and a glass of water.  "Take these."

Cas sat up and chased the two pills down with a sip of water, and Dean positioned the ice pack behind his back as he lay down again.

"Good?"

Cas nodded. "Thank you."

Dean crawled back into bed and lay next to him.  He lay on his side and tucked a pillow under his head, and comfortingly placed a hand across Cas's stomach.

"Try to sleep a bit, okay?"    
  
Cas was amazingly still asleep at one o'clock in the afternoon when there was a tiny knock on the door.  Sam poked his head in, giving Dean a strange look as he noted them both sharing a bed.   
  
"I made lunch," he said quietly.  "If you guys are hungry."  
  
Dean waved an acknowledgment.  "Thanks. We'll be down in a few."  Sam nodded and shut the door.   
  
"Cas?" Dean said, nudging him gently.    
  
Cas jumped in a sleep-dazed panic, scooting back on the bed.  
  
"Cas!  It's just me.  It's okay."  
  
Cas paused for a moment, blinking hard and squinting at him.  "Oh.  Dean," he sighed contentedly.   He rolled over on the bed and wrapped an arm around his waist, huddling into his chest.  
  
Ooookay, now _this_ was weird, Dean thought.  But Cas looked peaceful and content for the first time since they took him home and he didn't want to disturb him.  Gently, so as not to hurt his sore ribs, he let his arm wrap around him.  "Sammy made lunch," he said softly.  "If you want to go downstairs for a bit."  
  
Cas yawned sleepily and clung to him tighter.  "Maybe in a few minutes?"  
  
Dean smiled.  Alright, this was _totally_ weird, but if Cas needed to use him as his lifeline, he was sure as hell going to let him.  It was all his fault he was in this mess, and he was going to do whatever Cas needed.  He owed him that, at the very least.  



	4. Chapter 4

Sam was walking on eggshells.  He was trying his hardest to tread lightly, but no matter what he did, he felt like he was always startling Cas.  He had simply leaned over to set his plate down at dinner tonight, and Cas nearly jumped out of his skin.

He wished there was something he could do, but he knew that healing took time. It didn't help that Cas was content to stay in his bedroom most days. On the occasions that he came downstairs to eat, he was hellbent on making himself useful - overzealously so sometimes. When Sam told him that he didn't need help cleaning the kitchen this afternoon, it set him off in tears.  He cried until Dean swooped in and guided him back to his bedroom, assuring him that he needed to stop worrying about repaying them.    
  
At least he seemed to be fairly comforted by Dean.  Sam found it kind of amusing to watch him caring for Cas.  He was remarkably gentle with him, and it really gave him a new-found respect for his older brother.  Then again, Dean had also taken care of Sam most of his childhood, so Sam wasn't sure why he was so surprised. 

As pressing as matters were, Dean had damn near _insisted_ that they take a few days off to let Cas recover.   It wasn't like Dean to take breaks, especially when things were going to shit so quickly, so the guilt must have really been eating him alive.   _As it should be_ ,  Sam grumbled to himself.

Okay, that wasn't really fair of him. He felt guilty knowing that he was just as codependent.  He probably would have done anything to save Dean's ass too.  To be honest, his anger was slowly fading, having taken a backseat to worrying about Cas.

Speaking of codependent, Dean hadn't left Cas's side in days.  He'd even been sleeping in his bedroom the last few nights, both in the chair and in the bed.  Sam had caught them a few times with Cas snuggled up to Dean's chest and sobbing, which was surreal and heartbreaking and adorable all at once.  He didn't know Dean could be such a softy.  For all his macho bullshit,  he was quite the cuddler.  Though he'd never say it out loud, he'd occasionally wondered if there was something going on between the two of them. It wasn't like he was the only one who noticed; everyone from Crowley to Balthazar had made cracks about it throughout the years. Nevertheless, now wasn't the time for that.

Since he was feeling a little helpless lately, Sam spent his days busying himself with research and making sure Cas was well-fed. He knew Dean wasn't a fan of all the healthy dinners, but if he didn't like it, he could just pry himself away for ten minutes to cook for himself.    
  
As Sam once again cleaned up after dinner this evening, Dean surprisingly came in to help him with the dishes.

"How is he?" Sam automatically asked.

Dean sighed.   "A little better I guess,  but it's gonna be a long road.   He's chomping at the bit to get his own Grace back,  but he also doesn't want to leave the bunker."

Sam nodded sadly.   "I feel bad.  I keep scaring him.  I'm trying so hard not to, but he's so jumpy."

"I know," Dean nodded.  "He's still convinced that it's his own fault this happened.  He's not sleeping well, he cries at the drop of a hat...  I feel so awful, Sammy. Maybe we could all hang out tonight?   Go get ice cream, force him out of the house for a bit?  Baby steps, you know? Then we could watch TV or something.  I'm glad he's starting to feel comfortable with me, but I'm also worried that he's going to become agoraphobic if he holes up in here too long."

"Yeah, " Sam agreed.  "That's a good idea. Let's finish drying these and we'll go out."

It was a struggle to get Cas to agree to come with them, but eventually Dean won, plying him with the promise of PB&J flavored ice cream at the little shop up the road.

"See, isn't this nice, Cas? Getting a little fresh air in your lungs, a little sunshine on your skin?" Dean asked as he practically inhaled his food. The three of them were sitting at a small picnic table outside of the ice cream stand, where Cas was glancing around suspiciously at every person who passed.

"The ice cream is nice," Cas said hesitantly.

Dean laughed a little. "I'll take what I can get."

"So Cas," Sam started, clearing his throat.  "I could really use your expertise on this case I'm working on. I mean you don't have to, but if you want to give me a hand tomorrow, I'd love your advice."

Cas paused mid-lick. "You need my help? " he asked, shooting him a look of sheer bewilderment.

"I mean, only if you want to..."

Cas quickly licked at the drips running down his extra-large waffle cone. "O...okay. If you really think I could be of assistance."

Sam was pretty sure he caught the tiniest of smiles at the corner of Cas's lips. He honestly had nothing he needed Cas to do at the moment, but dammit, he'd find something. He knew Cas was aching to feel useful, so maybe a day of research would help.  

"Good. Thanks, Cas. "  He turned away embarrassed as Dean shot him a huge grin.

They finished their ice cream in a comfortable silence and headed back to the car.  "So Sam and I are going to watch a movie when we get home. You gonna join us? " Dean asked as Cas trailed not far behind.

"Uh, I'll probably just go up to my room, " he said tentatively.

"Come on," Dean urged. "Hang out with us. It's been a while since we all just had a relaxing night in."

Cas climbed into the back seat of the Impala, and shrugged. "Okay. I guess so."

Back at the bunker, Dean picked the lightest comedy he could think of from their collection and popped it into the DVD player.  He settled into one end of the couch with the remote control in hand. "Have a seat, Cas , " he said, patting the cushion next to him. Cas slumped down next to him, but he jumped as Sam sat down immediately to his other side. It was odd for Sam to sit on the couch; his usual spot was in the chair across from them, but today he'd decided Cas was going to get used to him, like it or not.

"National Lampoon's Vacation?" Sam asked, raising an eyebrow skeptically.

"Oh c'mon. It's a classic! "Dean exclaimed.  

Sam shook his head and smiled. "Alright, it _is_ pretty funny..." he admitted grudgingly.  They settled in to watch the plight of the Griswolds, and much to their mutual delight, Cas even laughed a few times, which was surprising since Cas didn't always get stupid humor.

Unfortunately, the anxiety of leaving the house and being somewhat social today seemed to have exhausted Cas, and he didn't even make it to the end of the movie before he was snoring away on the couch.   When his head flopped over onto Sam's shoulder, Sam shot Dean a slightly panicked look.

"He's fine. Let him sleep a little," Dean said in a hushed voice.

Cas sighed contentedly and wrapped an arm around Sam's waist.  "He's gonna freak if he wakes up..." Sam whispered.

Dean rolled his eyes in amusement and shushed him.  "Don't worry about it.  Just watch the movie or nap for a bit," he instructed, leaning into Cas and closing his eyes.

Sam knew better than to argue.  He was still a little uncomfortable with this, but he kicked his feet up on the coffee table and lazily extended an arm around the two of them.  Well, _physically_ he was pretty damn comfy... He let his head fall back against the couch and his eyes slipped closed.

It was dark when Cas awoke a few hours later.  He'd startled awake when he noticed two warm bodies pressed close to his.  "Dean?" he whispered, tightening his grip around him.

"Hmm?  No.  Sam," Sam mumbled softly. "You okay?"

Cas's hand immediately pulled back, and he reached for the arm wrapped around his waist.  He turned his head to feel Dean's hair tickle at his nose.  He sighed a little.  Dean hadn't left him. And Sam was here too.

"I think so," Cas whispered, relaxing as he turned back to Sam.  He paused for a moment, pondering this whole situation.  "Thank you."

"Don't mention it. Go back to sleep for a while, 'kay?" Sam said, giving his hair a quick brotherly tussle.

Cas nodded and leaned back into him.  He had to admit, he was feeling warm, and comfortable, and safe sandwiched in between the two brothers.    
  
He closed his eyes, and for the first time in days, Cas slept through the night.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Possible trigger: Just Cas coping and talking about feeling guilt. I don't think it's any worse than the last time they talked, but figured I'd mention it.

Cas was crying again.  
  
He was crying and he didn't even know why. He wasn't thinking about anything in particular, he just felt _bad_.   Sam and Dean were out on a job, and he had opted to stay home since he wasn't crazy about leaving the safety of the bunker just yet. Now a tiny part of him almost wished he had gone. Almost.

He rolled onto his side and clutched his pillow to his chest.  Dean had left him explicit instructions to call if he needed anything, but there wasn't anything he _needed_ , per se, he just felt awful.  On second thought... he _needed_ to not be alone right now.  He _needed_ Dean to be home. He _needed_ to be held and to be told that everything was going to be okay.  
  
Cas frowned at himself. Since when was he so weak and clingy? He was an _angel_ for Pete's sake. 

He sighed wearliy. Okay, he wasn't much of one at the moment. Even with stolen Grace, he was still dealing with so much emotion. Not that he was emotionless as an angel, but his Grace seemed to dampen the worst of the pain. Then again, maybe he just hadn't experienced such personal trauma like this before.

His eyes drifted to his cell phone lying on the bedside table.  Maybe he could call Dean anyway. Just to check in. There was nothing clingy about that, right? He could just ask how the job was going. He sniffed hard a few times, trying to make himself sound less nasally, then dialed Dean's number.

"Hey Cas, what's up? "

Cas breathed in deeply. "I just wondered how the job was going," he said, his stupid voice cracking toward the end.

"Alright I guess. Just on our way to interview a few people now. Might be a long night.... are you okay? " he asked.

Cas tried hard to keep his voice even. "Yes. I'm fine. I just wondered when you might be home," he said awkwardly. The damn tears were flowing again.

"Cas, what's wrong? "

"Nothing, " Cas assured him. "Really."

Dean huffed into the phone. "Dammit, Cas. Talk to me."

"I'm sorry to have bothered you, Dean. There's really no good reason, I just feel awful today. "

"Aww. Look, we'll come home. We can make some phone calls and come back tomorrow. "

Cas could hear Sam protesting in the background. "No, no. That's not necessary. You're already there. I'm okay. I'll see you tonight," he said, hanging up before the impending sob escaped his throat.    
  
Well, that was pointless. He had thought that talking for a few minutes would make him feel better, but it just made him feel worse.

He lay back down on his bed and took a few breaths to calm his sobbing. This was so frustrating; he still didn't even know what he was upset about.

He had been hungry for hours, but it just seemed too overwhelming to go downstairs, so instead, he lay still and closed his eyes, snuggling up to his pillow for comfort. He didn't want to fall sleep though. Sleep is when the nightmares came, and he'd had some awful ones again lately.  His dreams last night had been a play-by-play flashback of that night. He woke up screaming and thrashing so hard, he'd hit Dean in the face.    
  
Thankfully Dean had been there,  as always, to hold him through the gross sobbing. Cas didn't know how he'd get through this without him. He didn't want to think about how he'd be coping if he were still living in his squalid apartment, doing whatever he needed to do to get by. He certainly couldn't... do _that_ again for a long time. Sam was being extra supportive to him as well lately, and he was grateful for it. They still weren't close like he and Dean were, but it was good to be back to their normal, albeit slightly awkward friendship.  He was still struggling with the need to repay them for letting him stay here, feeding him, and generally taking care of him when he could barely take care of himself.  He should be downstairs making himself useful, not crying in a puddle on the bed.

The sudden ringing of his phone startled him so badly he nearly rolled off the bed.

"Hello?" he asked meekly.

"Hey.  What do you want for dinner?"

"Dean?"

"Yeah.  What sounds good?  I'll stop somewhere on my way home."

Cas frowned.  "You're not done already?" he asked, though he already knew the answer.

"Nah, Sammy's can handle the interviews.  I'm gonna come home."

"But Dean," Cas sighed.  "That's not fair to Sam.  And I'm okay, really."

Dean practically snorted into the phone.  "Well I'm already on my way, so too bad."

As bad as he felt, Cas couldn't help the hint of a smile playing at the corner of his lips.  He certainly didn't deserve Dean's friendship, but he was thankful for it anyway.

"How is Sam getting home?"

"We drove past a car rental place. We're only an hour and a half from home, so it's no big deal. We'll have to drop it off tomorrow.  Maybe you can come with me?  I'll have to follow Sam back."

"Okay," Cas agreed.  It was the least he could do.

"Now.  What do you want for dinner?"

:::::::::::::

"Cas?"  Dean bellowed as he entered the bunker.

Cas wiped his eyes a final time before heading downstairs.  He hoped all traces of the tears were gone, but his eyes were puffy and swollen and his nose hurt from blowing it. He was pretty sure he looked as terrible as he felt. Slowly, he dragged himself out of bed and trudged down the stairs.

When Dean greeted him in the library with a greasy paper bag of burgers and fries in hand, he stopped in his tracks. "Whoa. What happened? " he asked softly.

Cas shrugged. "I don't know. It's completely stupid, but I can't stop crying today."

Dean set his bag on the table and took off his jacket.  "Well, sometimes crying is a part of healing."  He put an arm around Cas's shoulder and led him to the table.  "If you need to cry, then cry it out."   Dean had never been the kind of guy to hold back when tears threatened. He was full of faux bravado sometimes, but when it came down to it, he was a pretty sensitive guy.  "Let's eat, and we'll watch TV or something when we're done. And if you wanna talk about it, we'll figure it out, okay?  After all, no sense crying on an empty stomach.

Cas smiled a little. " You didn't have to come home. This is just silly..."

"Shoosh, " Dean commanded. "Eat your burger, Cas. "

With dinner completed and cleaned up, they retreated into the living room to watch TV.

"So," Dean asked tentatively as he flicked on a vintage Star Trek episode. "Do you want to talk about it? "

Cas sighed and shook his head. "I don't know what's wrong with me."

"Were you thinking about... stuff?" he asked awkwardly.

Cas shrugged. " I guess it's always in the back of my mind. I don't know how to turn it off."

Dean nodded sympathetically. "Not that they're the same, " he started, "but when I came back from Hell, I was going through some similar things. I cried constantly. Nightmares, couldn't sleep. And after a while I guess it was just a sort of depression. I didn't want to get out of bed, just felt horrible, was afraid of a lot of things.  I know that doesn't make anything better, but just so you know... it's normal to feel all this shit."

Cas sat there silently, absorbing this for a moment. "How did you get through it? "

"Same way you are, Cas. One day at a time. Don't know if it ever goes away, but it does get easier."

"I wasn't so nice to you back then either," he said sadly.

Dean smiled. "You were just doing what you thought was right. Always admired that about you, Cas. Even then. And hey, I like to think that stick came out of your ass rather nicely, " he winked.

Cas grinned despite himself.

"Besides, I had Sammy then to help me through it. I wish I had leaned on him more back then though. You may have noticed I tend to hold everything in..."

"Understatement," Cas cracked.

Dean shrugged in agreement. "But just knowing Sam was there for me helped.  And you've got me, Cas. Sammy too, for that matter."

Once again, the tears were threatening to fall, and Cas tried, unsuccessfully to blink them away.

"Thank you," he whispered. "Dean... did you ever feel guilty? I'm trying to believe you that it's not all my fault, but I... I can't."

Dean swallowed hard. "Yeah. I felt guilty. Still do. But our situations were pretty different, Cas. I _did_ stuff. I did shit that I'm not proud of, and I fucking _enjoyed_ it. Those were _my_ actions, and I have to live with that. But what happened to you was not your fault. It was done _to_ you, by someone else.  Hell, it's more _my_ fault than yours.  I'm the one who kicked you out of..."

"Dean, you didn't have a choice."

"Yeah, I guess.  Let's not dredge this up.  This is about _your_ situation, Cas.  You shouldn't feel guilty."

Cas sighed and leaned his head against the back of the couch, trying to slow the tears.  "But I quit fighting," he said softly.

"What do you mean?"

"I tried.  I fought hard. But when I realized he was so much stronger than me, I finally gave up and stopped.    I didn't want him to hurt me any more, but he just ended up hurting me worse.  I just let it happen, Dean," he covered his mouth as another sob wracked his body.

"Cas..."  Dean pulled him into a tight hug.  "No.  Just because he hurt you until you quit fighting, you think that's your fault?  Just because you stopped doesn't mean you consented."

Cas hiccuped and shook his head.

"I know this sucks," Dean continued.  "But I promise you, nothing you did or said gave him the right to do what he did to you.  It really is that cut and dried, Cas.  It's like I said before; you said 'no', he should have stopped, period."

Cas was crying convulsively now, choking for breath and clutching at his injured rib.

"Okay, okay.  Cas, take a deep breath for me," Dean instructed.

Cas took a shuddering breath.

"One more."

He took another shaky, deep breath.

"Keep breathing for me, okay?" Dean said softly.

Cas continued trying to take deep breaths as Dean held his gaze and breathed along with him.

"What's wrong with me, Dean?" Cas asked helplessly as he finally gained control over his breathing again.

"There's nothing wrong with you.  You're healing, Cas.  One day at a time.  Some days are better than others.  You might be a little depressed too.  But it's not that unusual after a trauma like this.   If it goes on too long, we'll figure something out.  'Til then, just hold on and cry it out if you need to.  And lean on me, okay?  I mean it."

Cas nodded weakly.

"Let's go watch Netflix in my bedroom.  You can lie down, and I'll get you some ice and some meds."

"Okay."

Dean grabbed him by the wrist and ushered him up the stairs. He quickly dug the spare pillows out of his closet and propped a bunch behind Cas so he could comfortably watch TV.  "Stay here. I'll be right back.  In the meantime, find us something to watch," he motioned to the TV.

He returned a few minutes later with two ice packs, a few pills, and a glass of water.  "Take these," he commanded.

Cas again took the medication and sighed as Dean arranged an ice pack underneath him.  "Thank you," he whispered.

Dean nodded and handed him the other ice pack.  "This one's for your head or eyes if you have a crying headache," he said.

Cas slapped the ice pack on the top of his head and closed his eyes for a second. "Yeah.  I do."  He marveled at how good the cold felt on his aching head.

Dean lay next to him and pressed play on the show Cas had selected, which happened to be some documentary about honeybee decline.  Dean was going to suggest Die Hard, so it wasn't exactly something he was excited to watch, but if it made Cas happy... He rolled onto his side and propped his head on one elbow, using the palm of his other hand to rub gentle, soothing circles against Cas's chest.

Cas hummed contently.  "Why are you so good to me, Dean?"

Dean sat there a moment, not sure how to answer his question.  "Because you're family.  I love you, Cas.  You and Sammy are all I've got, and we've gotta take care of each other."

Cas tilted his head as if he were pondering something confusing.  He turned onto his side and suddenly hugged Dean tightly.

"I had a family once, but it was nothing like this," he mused.  Timidly, he cupped Dean's cheek and stared at him for a moment, before running his fingers down his jaw.

"W...what are you doin'?" Dean asked, his voice sounding a bit strained.

Cas didn't answer, just continued to squint and stare at him to the point of making Dean a little self-conscious.

"Cas?" he asked confusedly.

Ever-so-gently, Cas touched his cheek again, tilting his chin downward as he raised his face toward him. Dean's eyes were wide and Cas could feel his ragged breathing against his nose and cheek.

"Cas..." Dean breathed, but he didn't get to finish his thought as Cas hesitantly pressed their lips together.  He nearly gasped as he felt it happen, but his eyes closed instinctively as Cas pressed tiny, teasing little kisses against his bottom lip.   He wasn't quite sure what to do in this situation.  It was... hell, it was nice.  But Cas wasn't really at his best right now.  He could just be confused or... Shit...

"Cas," Dean mumbled softly.  "I told you not to worry about 'repaying' us."

Cas pulled back and frowned.  "You think that's why I kissed you?"

"I uh... I don't know why you did." Dean stuttered.

Cas blinked.  "I did it because I wanted to."

"Oh," Dean said softly, stunned into silence for a moment.

"I...I'm sorry.  Were you hinting that I shouldn't do that?" Cas stuttered.  "I think I'm still trying to figure out this consent thing and..."

Dean's hand suddenly tilted his chin upward and the next thing Cas knew, his lips were on him.  But while Cas had been soft and tentative, Dean was firm and confident.  He didn't make it too dirty, all things considered, but this, Cas decided, was a proper kiss.

Cas kissed back frantically, following Dean's lead and trying to mimic his motions with fairly decent success.

"Mmm," Dean hummed approvingly as his arms wrapped around him tighter.

Cas's head was spinning.  He was suddenly feeling so drunk on endorphins, he felt like he was floating.  He was clinging to Dean so hard he was afraid he might hurt him.  For the first time in a while, his brain wasn't thinking about depressing things, and suddenly nothing mattered but him and Dean.

Dean pulled away breathlessly.

Cas was panting hard, and as soon as he made eye contact he immediately gripped Dean tighter, tucking his head under Dean's chin.  He nuzzled against his chest like a cat and then began trailing little kisses up his neck.

As much as Dean was enjoying this, he knew they had to stop.  This wasn't right.  Cas was emotional and confused, and  _fuck_ , he really shouldn't have done that.

"Cas," he said quietly.

"Hmm?" Cas mumbled as he continued kissing.

"I like this a lot, but I think we should probably stop."

Cas paused and pulled back with a hurt expression on his face.

"No, no, no," Dean said quickly.  "It's just... you're in a bad place right now, and I don't want all these emotions playing tricks on you, okay?"

"What do you mean?"

Dean licked his lips nervously.  "I just mean, sometimes when you're depressed, you do things you usually wouldn't. And they feel right at the time, but later you wish you hadn't...  I don't want you to do anything you might regret."

Cas sighed and pulled away. "That was stupid.  I'm sorry."  His face was burning with embarrassment.

"No!  I was into it!" Dean said, laughing.  " _Really_ into it.  But really Cas, it's probably not a good idea right now."

"I think it's a great idea..."

Dean smiled.  "It sounds like a good idea to me, but let's make a deal.  When you're feeling a little better, and if you still want this, we'll talk about it again, okay?"

"I guess so," Cas said glumly.

"Come on," Dean grinned.  "We can still do _this_."  He wrapped Cas back up in his arms and kissed his forehead.

Cas sighed and snuggled into him, still thankful for the comforting warmth and even more thankful that Dean wasn't upset with him.

Dean soothingly ran his fingers through the back of Cas's hair.  "You've had a rough day," he murmured.   "Why don't you sleep for a bit?"  

Cas nodded in agreement. He closed his eyes and sighed happily as he felt Dean rearranging the ice packs on his ribs and the top of his head. 

No, he definitely didn't deserve this treatment.


	6. Chapter 6

"Dean, we've gotta go!" Sam yelled up the stairs for the third time. He had Cas in his bedroom again, and frankly, Sam was getting pretty damn suspicious. Sure, he knew Dean and Cas were close, but the snuggle sessions he kept walking in on were getting a little weird. Of course he didn't care. He wanted Dean to be happy; he just hoped if he was going to make a move, he was smart enough to wait until Cas was bit better.

Upstairs, Dean groaned and rolled onto his back. He has been warm and comfy, and he was getting way too damn used to this. Cas immediately dragged himself over and lay his head on his chest.

"Do we have to go? " he mumbled.

Dean sighed. "Y _ou_ don't have to, but I do. It's late and we need to get that car back."

"No," Cas sighed heavily. " I'll go."

"You sure?"

Cas nodded. "Anything is better than yesterday. "

Dean smiled. "Good. Then we'd better get dressed before Sammy kills us."

:::::::::::::::::::

Cas rolled his window down a little and leaned into the door, enjoying the breeze against his face. Dean watched him out of the corner of his eye, smiling to himself. Cas didn't seem as anxious to be out today, and something about that made him a bit giddy. He hoped it was a preview of better days to come.

The windows were down, the sun was shining, and Dean cranked up the tape deck, the strains of Bad Company filling the car as he sung along happily. Sammy usually got annoyed by his singing and drumming on the steering wheel after a while, but Cas just seemed amused, even laughing a few times as Dean attempted to hit the high notes.  He was enjoying himself so much, he was actually bummed that they had arrived already.

As Sam went inside the building to do the paperwork and get their deposit back, Cas grabbed his door handle and began getting out of the car.    
  
"What are you doing? "Dean asked, grabbing at his sleeve.

Cas shrugged. "Getting in the back seat. "

"You don't have to do that. Sit. Sammy can sit in the back. " Cas frowned, but he sat back down.

Sam didn't even hesitate as he hopped into the back seat, slumping against the door and slinging his legs over to Cas's side for more room.

"You know, there's a nature center just a few minutes from here. We should go check it out," Sam said nonchalantly, glancing at the directions on his phone.

Dean glanced in the rearview mirror and shot him a curious look.

"There's an expert there all week from this honeybee documentary... it's on Netflix. Really interesting. You guys should watch it. They're showing it at three o'clock."

"We started it last night. Didn't get far though."  Dean said.  "Right, Cas?"

Cas nodded and abruptly blushed, and Sam just bit his tongue. He really didn't want to know.

Dean shrugged. "What do you say, Cas? Wanna make a quick stop at the nature center?"

Cas was torn between needing the safety of the bunker and actually wanting to check this out.  He furrowed his brow uncertainly as he glanced over at Dean.

"I don't think it'll be that busy on a Wednesday afternoon, " Sam added reassuringly.

"Okay," Cas said slowly.  "Let's go."  
  


Dean frowned as the Impala pulled into the nature center parking lot.  It was a hell of a lot busier than he expected.    
  
"It looks pretty busy," Cas said, surveying the cars around them.

"Yeah," Dean agreed.  "You still want to try it?"

Cas looked out the window sullenly, staring at the pathway leading up to the building as he pondered his options.  "Well... maybe we could just go in and see how bad it is."

Dean grinned.  "Sounds good.  C'mon, Sammy."

As they walked around the side of building, it suddenly became apparent why there were so many people.

"What is this, some sort of festival?" Dean mumbled.

"Yep."  Sam nodded and pointed to a large sign in the distance.  "First Annual Honeybee Festival and Food Fair," he read.

Dean didn't have a chance to respond before two small boys ran up to him with a fistful of balloons.

"Thanks for coming to the Honeybee Festival!" the younger of the boys yelled gleefully, thrusting a yellow bee-emblazoned balloon into Dean's hand.  The second boy handed a balloon each to Sam and Cas before running off to greet some other guests.

"Cute kids," Sam laughed.  "Now what do I do with this?" he asked, holding his balloon string questioningly.

Cas was staring up at his balloon a bit mirthfully.  "You don't want it?"

Sam shook his head.  "Nah.  Here," he said handing it to Cas.

"Take mine too," Dean said.

"Every so often we'd see these float up toward Heaven," Cas mused.  "They never made it that far of course.  But when I was a fledgling, I always hoped they would."  He smiled wistfully, then sobered. "Of course, you should never, ever release balloons.  They can do so much damage to wildlife... I'll have to hold on tightly to these."

Dean nodded.  "Can I see them for a sec?"

Cas handed over his bunch of black and yellow balloons, and Dean tied a neat slipknot in each one, slipping them over Cas's wrist and tightening them.

"Now you can't lose them," he said.

Cas laughed softly.  "Thanks."

"So it looks like there's a bunch of stuff going on," Sam interrupted, reading from a program someone had handed him.  "2:30 - 'Mr B's Beard of Bees',   3:00 - Documentary showing indoors,   5:30 - Honey Tasting.  There are also beekeeping demonstrations all day over that way," he said, pointing.  "Food trucks that way, " he pointed again.  "And some live entertainment from a classic rock tribute band should be starting momentarily on that stage there.  You gonna be okay here, Cas?"

When he looked up, Cas was already making his way to the 'beard of bees' demonstration, and checking every few seconds to make sure Dean was trailing close behind.

Sam shook his head and laughed, then ran to catch up to Dean.  
  
"Did you know about all this?" Dean whispered.

Sam just winked and grinned.

After watching the guy with the bee beard (who Dean thought was certifiably insane), they headed inside to watch the movie. It wasn't very crowded inside, since most people seemed to prefer the action outdoors.  Dean didn't blame them.  He was extremely appreciative when they were handed drinks and popcorn - at least food would make some of this hour bearable.  He let his eyes glaze over, listening to the faint strains of rock music coming from the band outside. Cas and Sam, on the other hand, sat transfixed to the screen, and he couldn't help but steal a few glances at the two of them. They were such dorks sometimes, and frankly, he found it endearing. He never understood why Cas latched onto him rather than Sam. The two of them were far more alike than they probably realized.

He sat a while longer before discreetly checking the time on his phone.  He couldn't wait until this was over, because dammit, they were hitting those food trucks before going back to the bees.

As the documentary finished, the lights came back on and Dean had nearly stood before Cas yanked him back down.

"Will you stay for the question-and-answer session?" Cas asked hopefully, just as an official-looking man stepped up to the podium.  

Just seeing Cas act like himself for a few minutes was more than enough to convince him.

"Yeah, Cas.  We can stay."

::::::::::::

After a stroll through the mini-midway, and wolfing down two corn dogs and a tray of fresh-cut fries, Dean was feeling much better.  He watched in amusement as Sam wrinkled his nose and picked at his corn dog.  Sadly, he'd declared it the healthiest-looking thing he could find amidst the sea of deep-fried carnival foods.  Cas, on the other hand, didn't complain.  He had finished his food and was people-watching, still a bit anxiously, but overall, he seemed to be enjoying himself.

Dean had to fight back a smile as he watched him. He was kind of cute sitting there in his trenchcoat with a bunch of balloons tied to one arm and a stuffed bumblebee in the other hand, which Dean had won at the star shootout game.

"Dean." Sam gave his shoulder a shove and interrupted his staring.

"Hmm?"

"Oh you heard me that time? " he laughed. "Only tried three times..."

"So what do you want? "

"I said, are we going to do this honey tasting thing, or are you just going to sit there making eyes at Cas all day?"

Dean frowned. Luckily Cas was too engrossed in people-watching to notice.

"Let's go, Cas, " Dean said, tapping him on the arm. Cas nodded, collected his trash and his toy, and followed them to the honey-tasting tent.

It was after nine o'clock when they finally arrived back at the bunker. Cas was exhausted but happy. The anxiety about the crowd had dissipated a bit as he let himself get engrossed in the demonstrations, but it still took a lot out of him. He yawned sleepily as he gathered up his things - a jar of wild blueberry honey, two stuffed bees (because Sam had insisted he needed the 'queen' bee too - complete with crown), the balloons, and two bags of cotton candy for him and Dean.

"I'm going to go up to bed," he said quietly. " It's been a big day, and I'm pretty tired. " He looked back and forth between the two brothers. "Thank you both," he said, almost shyly. "I had fun today. "

"You sound like you're dropping us off from a date," Dean quipped

"Can't take a complement, can you?" Cas huffed.  "Anyway, thanks."

"You're welcome, Cas.  I'm glad you had a good time," Sam said .

"I'll be up in a minute too," Dean called as Cas started up the stairs. He waited until he heard Cas's door close and then tackled Sam with an enormous bear hug.

Sam grunted as the air hissed from his lungs.

"What was that for?" he asked as he finally caught his breath.

"You're awesome, " Dean said simply. "He had such a bad night last night. He really needed that."

Sam rolled his eyes, simpering as his cheeks flushed a bit. "Go tuck him in, or... _whatever_ it is you do, " he muttered.

Dean patted his shoulder appreciatively and turned to go upstairs.

"Hey Dean? "

"Yeah? "

"You're not doing... _that_ with Cas, are you? "

"What? No!" Dean sputtered.

"Okay, okay. Just checking. Because I wouldn't care if you were, but he's fragile right now."

"I know. Geez. I wouldn't..." he paused. "I wouldn't take advantage of him like that."

"Yeah. Sorry. I know," Sam said, shaking his head. "It's just that you guys have been kind of... um, physically close lately. And I get it. That's obviously what he needs. But just be careful, okay?"

Dean was pretty sure his face was flushed now. "Yeah. I know."

"Good, " Sam nodded.

Dean turned and immediately fled up the stairs.  He headed to his own bedroom after finding Cas's empty, and there was Cas, struggling to remove his balloons from his wrist.

Dean grinned.  "Here," he said, showing him how to loosen the strings. "We sleepin' in here tonight?"

Cas's face flushed.  "If it's okay?"

"Yeah, I don't care."

"Your bed is more comfortable,"  Cas said as he shed his jackets and stripped down to his boxer shorts.

Dean nodded happily.  "Memory foam," he said as he began kicking off his jeans.  He pulled back the blankets and motioned for Cas to get in.

"Dean?" Cas said as he crawled into bed and pulled him down beside him.  "Thank you."

"For what?" Dean asked.

Cas sighed contentedly as he snuggled up to Dean's chest.  "For today."

Dean smiled, giving the top of his head a quick kiss. "I'm glad you had fun.  This was all Sammy's idea though.  I didn't know anything about it."

"Well regardless.  Today was a good day.  I was dreading it a bit when we left the bunker... just anxiety I guess.  But it turned out okay."

"Yeah," Dean said.  "I told you, some days are better than others. I'm glad today was a good one.   I promise you, eventually it'll get to a point where the good outweigh the bad."

Cas sighed.  "I hope it comes soon."

"Me too, Cas."  He hummed blissfully as Cas entwined their legs.  "I had fun today too.  I haven't been to one of those things in years.  When we were kids, we'd travel through a lot of small towns.  Whenever there was a carnival, I always made sure to save some of the money dad left so that I could take Sammy.  Most of 'em were pretty crappy, but we had fun anyway..."  He smiled to himself, letting the memory wash over him.  "One time Sam won a goldfish.  Dad freaked when he came home and Sammy wanted to haul it around in the Impala.  Lucky for him those things never live more than a few days."

Cas laughed softly.  "I'm glad you liked some of it. Were you bored learning about the bees today?"

"It was interesting," he said sincerely.  Aside from the documentary, the demonstrations had been kind of cool.  "I didn't know how they collected honey.  Or that there were so many kinds of bees."

Cas nodded.  "There are lots of other bees, not just the honeybee.  Everyone is focused on honeybees, but others are declining as well and they're just as important.  Not every bee pollinates every plant."

"No?"

"There are squash bees, blueberry bees, carpenter bees.  Oh, and bumble bees are great if you grow tomatoes..."

Dean grinned as he listened to Cas rattle on about different bee species; he was so passionate about them, it was hard not to be amused.  As he spoke, Dean stealthily reached behind him to grab the bag of cotton candy on the bedside table.

"...isn't that fascinating?" Cas finished breathlessly.

"I had no idea," Dean said honestly.  "Gimme a hand," he said, thrusting the bag at him.

Cas grinned and rolled his eyes and he held onto the bag as Dean worked the twist-tie open with his one free hand.

"So this etymologist guy..."Dean started.

"Entomologist."

"Whatever," he said as he shoved a wad of cotton candy into his mouth. "So this guy, all he does is study bees all day?"

Cas smiled. "All insects, not just bees." He rolled onto his back and yawned, rubbing tiredly at his eyes.

"Huh," Dean responded. "Want some? " he asked, waving a fluffy gob in front of his face. "I think it's actually honey-flavored."

"Hmm, well in that case, just a bite."

Dean beamed and shoved the cottony confection into his mouth.

"Weird, right?  Tastes like honey," Dean said.

Cas nodded. "Good-weird."  
  
Dean wrapped up the bag for morning. "Alright, lights out."  
  
Cas flipped the switch on the lamp and rolled back onto his side, wrapping an arm around Dean's waist.  "Dean?"  he asked tentatively.  "Speaking of weird... Is it weird for me to do this?  I mean, you've been so kind in comforting me, and holding me, and making me feel safe when I'm upset..."  he paused, struggling for the right words.  "I'm feeling pretty good tonight, so why did I just pounce you?  For that matter, why did I assume I was sleeping in your bed tonight?"  
  
Dean laughed.  "Whatever, Cas.  I just assumed you would too.  Sleepin' this way has been pretty damn comfortable, to be honest."  He wrapped an arm around him and Cas squeaked contentedly.  "Who cares if it's weird or not.  I like it."  
  
"Me too."  Cas snuggled in closer, breathing in deeply.  The scent of Dean's cologne mixed with sweat and leather had become a safety blanket of sorts, and even though he was feeling good, he was still going to soak up all the warmth and comfort he could.   
  
"Glad you had a good day.  Get some sleep, Cas."  
  
Cas nodded blissfully.  "Night, Dean."


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Possible trigger: flashback/ptsd Not terribly graphic, but still.

"Dean, we need to talk, " Sam said as he pulled a steaming hot casserole dish out of the oven. The two of them were alone in the kitchen, Sam preparing dinner as usual while Dean pecked away at Sam's laptop.

"What's up? " Dean asked, glancing up from the screen.

Sam sighed and sat down in front of him. "It's about Cas..."

"Sammy, don't start. I'm not making a move on him. "

"No," Sam said quickly. "It's just...I know you're worried about Cas. I am too. But we can't take any more time off. It's been a month. You know as well as I do how serious shit is right now. Abaddon? Ring a bell?"

" _Time off_? We've been working two jobs a week and we research every minute of our spare time. Some time off," he scoffed.

"You know what I mean. These little nearby jobs aren't exactly helping us track her down. In the meantime, God only knows what the hell she's up to. We need to get on the road, get some better leads."

Dean sighed, rubbing his temples in annoyance. "Look, I get it. But Cas is family. And he needs us right now. So as far as I'm concerned, as long as nothing shows up at our doorstep, the entire fucking world can wait."

"I know," Sam's voice softened. "I know. But Dean, it could be months before he's back to his old self. Hell, it could be years! This isn't just a broken bone. There's no set healing time. We need to do this now! Not to mention, we need to get his Grace back. I'm sure that could only help..."

"What do you want me to do, Sam?" Dean suddenly roared. "It's _my_ fucking fault this happened to him. The least I can do is try to hold him together while he heals..."

"Dean..."

Dean turned away as the tears started to slip silently down his cheeks. "Do you know the first night he was here, he tried to _blow me_ in exchange for letting him stay here? At least I _assume_ that's what he was offering. Maybe it was more. Who knows.  Like he was so sure that's the only reason we'd let him stay or something... "

Sam's eyes widened and he covered his mouth with a hand. He took a long, deep breath. "Dean," he said finally.  "You can't beat yourself up over this. I mean, yes, it sucks. It sucks a lot. But it's not your fault. _You_ didn't do this to Cas."

"Well he wouldn't have been in that situation to begin with if it weren't for me!" Dean yelled.

"It's no one's fault but the guy who did it, Dean."

Dean shook his head.  He had said those words to Cas a dozen times since he'd arrived, but still didn't believe a word of it.

"Okay," Sam said slowly,  "I suppose we don't really have any leads other than Crowley.  And I trust him as far as I can throw him, but I guess he's all we've got to go on."

Dean shrugged.  "I usually wouldn't trust him either, but he wants her gone just as much as we do.  Maybe even more.  He'll call me when she shows.  And you know we have enough hunters in our network that someone would give us a call if there was some weird shit going on.  Just... "  he sighed, wiping at his eyes frantically.  "Unless shit really hits the fan, can't we just give him a little more time?"

Sam sighed and nodded uncertainly.  "Okay.  Alright, Dean.  I guess it wouldn't be the first time we've spent months working a case.   Until we hear something, I guess we just keep on doing what we're doing."

Dean breathed out forcefully, choking on a breath he didn't realize he'd been holding. "Thanks, Sammy."  He stood up and grabbed a paper towel to dry his eyes.

"Hey," Sam said, rising from his seat to finish setting the table for dinner.

"Hmm?"

Sam wrapped his arms around him in a crushing hug.  "I hear you telling Cas all the time that it wasn't his fault.  It's not yours either, Dean.  I mean it."

Dean stood there stiffly a moment, not sure what to say, but the damn tears started again.  Finally, he wrapped his arms around his brother and patted him on the back. He still didn't know if he believed it, but it was a comforting gesture, and one that he desperately needed.

"Alright," Sam said as he pulled away.  "Clean yourself up and go wake Cas for dinner. He's been napping almost two hours now."

"Yeah," Dean said, striding to the sink to splash some cold water on his face.  "Sure. I'll wake him."

::::::

"Cas?" Dean whispered in gentlest voice.

Cas didn't answer. He was frowning in his sleep with his fists balled up tightly next to him, his posture stiff and tense. Dean knew this position all too well. Cas was having a nightmare again. Soon he'd awake screaming and thrashing, trying to fight anything in his way.

Carefully, Dean lay on the bed next to him and inched in close, pressing his chest against Cas's back.  Ever-so-gently, he ruffled a few fingers through his hair and Cas twitched. He leaned in close to Cas's ear and whispered.

"Cas? It's Dean. Wake up."

Cas jerked once and then tensed up again, his fist gripping tightly at his pillow.

"Cas. It's Dean. You're safe," he said a little louder, still softly stroking his hair. "It's okay, Cas. Wake up."

Cas's eyes fluttered open, squinting in confusion.

"Just Dean. You're okay," he repeated.

Cas's entire body suddenly went limp as he relaxed. "Dean, " he whispered. He heaved a sigh of relief before rolling over onto his back to look at him. "Hey," he finally managed.

"Hey. Thought you might want to get up. Dinner's ready."

Cas yawned and stretched. "Thank you, by the way. Stupid nightmares. " He wrapped an arm around Dean's waist and sleepily kissed his cheek.

"Oh. Uh. Yeah, sure," Dean stuttered.

But Cas didn't stop there. His lips were suddenly on Dean's mouth again and Dean wasn't sure what to do. Certainly his brain knew what he _should_ do, but his body wasn't cooperating.  After what felt like minutes, he finally managed to pull away.

"Cas..." he started.

"I know. I'm sorry. It just... it feels so good kissing you," he said awkwardly as his face paled.

"Uhh... thanks. But we really shouldn't..."

"I know." Cas sighed. "Sorry."

They sat in an uncomfortable silence for a few minutes, both not sure how to segue from this situation.

"You know," Cas said quietly, "He kept trying to kiss me. It was disgusting. He smelled awful and tasted like nicotine and cheap beer. And I hated it more than anything.  Here he was, hurting me, calling me awful things, taking... _everything_ from me, and at the same time, he was trying to kiss me."  He paused, trying to make sense of what he was about to say.  "So last week when I kissed you, it surprised me too. I...I don't know what came over me. I didn't think I'd _want_ to do that again, especially not so soon.   So when I did, and I _liked_ it... well, I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I'm sorry. I... I shouldn't be dragging you into my messed-up issues," he stammered.

Dean shushed him. "Don't worry about it, " he said gently. "Don't get me wrong, it's nice.  And I promise, when the time is right, we'll talk about this again.  I'm glad it feels good though. That's a good sign.  You're healing."

"Slowly," Cas sighed.

"It takes time.  Don't rush it".

Cas nodded.  "I know.  Thank you for being so patient with me," he said meekly.  "We should probably get downstairs before Sam comes looking for us."

After a filling dinner of Sam's first attempt at homemade lasagna, Dean suggested another outing, this time just a standard grocery and supply run.  Sammy usually liked to do the grocery trips - after all, if Dean went, he'd come home with a car full of beer and chips and frozen burritos, whereas Sam preferred actual  _food -_ but tonight, Dean thought it might be a good excuse to get Cas out of the house.

Cas hopped into the back seat of the Impala, somewhat apathetic about the trip, but at least he didn't seem too anxious.

"Maybe we should head to that big superstore," Sam said. "We need groceries, but we could also use some ammo and rock salt. It's about an hour drive though. You okay with that, Cas?"

Cas shrugged. "Sure. I guess so."

Dean glanced in the rearview mirror and smiled at Cas, who was leaning against the window looking sleepy and comfortable. He pulled onto the road and popped some music into the tape deck, humming happily to himself.   For a while, all was quiet save for the strains of AC/DC coming from the radio.

Sam was slouched down in his seat, contentedly closing his eyes as the wind ruffled through his long hair when he heard a noise - a squeak of sorts, that he first thought might be coming from the car.  He listened intently for it to happen again.

When he heard it the second time, he opened his eyes, sitting up straight in his seat.  "Cas?"

He looked over his shoulder to see Cas huddled in the backseat, rocking back and forth and panting so hard, he was nearly hyperventilating.  Instinctively, Sam thought about hopping into the back with him, but his legs were too damn long to crawl over the seat.  "Pull over!" he yelled to Dean.

Dean glanced up worriedly and pulled the car off to the side of the road.

"No!  Keep going!" Cas yelled frantically.  "Go!"

"Cas..." Dean protested.

"Go!"

Dean eased the Impala back onto the road, watching Cas intently in the rearview mirror.  "What happened?  Cas, what's wrong?" he demanded. "Talk to me, Cas."

But Cas didn't speak.  He was just staring ahead, rocking anxiously and trying hard to breathe.

"Dean," Sam said softly.  "Truck stop."

Dean's facial expression twisted into one of horror and recognition as he realized they'd just driven past the truck stop - the same one Cas had freaked out about the night they brought him home.  "Oh fuck," he whispered.  "Fuck."  He ran a hand over his jaw, anxiously rubbing at his face, wondering what the hell he should do right now.  Sighing heavily, he pressed down harder on the gas pedal and drove another five miles or so until he tried pulling the car over again.

Cas was crying and sniffing loudly as Dean flew into action, opening the car door quickly and sliding in next to him.  He put an arm around Cas's waist, but Cas lashed out at him, shoving him across the seat

"Get off of me!" he yelled, his red-ringed eyes were glazed over and wild with fear.  "Don't fucking touch me!"

Dean pulled back as if he had been burned, his eyes watering a little as he watched Cas cower against the door.

Sam stared at them both in a puppy-eyed panic, feeling completely helpless and confused.  While Dean had at least seen a few of Cas's breakdowns, Sam was completely blindsided by this sudden outburst.

"Cas..." Dean whispered.  But Cas didn't hear him over his hysterical sobs.   "Cas," he tried again, louder this time.  It quickly became obvious to him that Cas was so far gone, he didn't even recognize him in that moment.  "Cas, it's Dean.  You're okay," he said calmly.  " _Cas_... You're with Sam and Dean and you're okay, Cas," he said, emphasizing his name and trying to get him to snap back to reality.  "You're in the Impala, Cas. With Dean."

Cas suddenly blinked hard, shaking his head in confusion.  The hysterical sobbing stopped, replaced with sniffling and frantic gasping as he struggled to get his breathing back under control. "Dean," he said softly.

"Yeah.  You're okay. "

"Dean," Cas sobbed, lunging forward to hug him.  

Dean took a long, deep breath, letting his head fall back against the seat as he wrapped his arms around him.   "You're okay," he whispered again.  He dabbed discreetly at his eyes before glancing up at Sam.

Sam was shaking with rage.  His eyes were watering and he was biting down hard on his bottom lip to keep from crying.  He knew damn well what had happened to Cas, but seeing him break down like this... well it suddenly made it _real._   Sam was generally not a violent person, but all he could think about right now was killing the _fucking monster_ who did this to Cas. The ache in his chest was unbearable, and he wondered how Dean had been dealing with it all this time.  He finally understood, at least - all he wanted to do was hold him until the tears stopped.

Dean was right. Cas was family. And world be damned, they were going to give him as much time as they possibly could to let him heal.  Sam slid into the driver's seat and eased the car back onto the empty two-lane highway, taking the long way home to avoid passing the truck stop again.

Cas's limbs were heavy with exhaustion as they climbed the stairs, but between the two of them, they managed to help him inside and up to his bed.

"I'm sorry," he kept chanting.  "I'm so sorry.  I didn't mean to frighten you.  I don't know what happened, I..."

"Shhhh," Dean shushed him.  He arranged some pillows carefully behind Cas's back as they lowered him down on the bed.

"I'm sorry..."

Sam sat awkwardly on the edge of the bed while Dean fussed over Cas.  He felt like he should probably leave the two of them alone, but he was worried.  Gently, so as not to scare him, he pressed a hand to his forehead, then began stroking his hair back, the way Dean used to do when they were kids and Sam had a fever.

Cas didn't even flinch.  Instead, he closed his eyes and breathed in deeply.  "Sam, you must think I'm crazy..."

"No. I don't think you're crazy. I think you've had something horrible happen to you, and you're dealing with it as best you can."

Dean rolled Cas onto his side and spooned up behind him, burying his nose in Cas's hair. "I'm so sorry, Cas. I didn't even think about it..."

Cas sniffled. "It's okay. It's not like I can just avoid it forever. And it's just a _building_. Just looking at it shouldn't make me catatonic. So stupid..."

"It's not stupid. You're just not ready to face that yet. And it's okay," Sam said softly. He lay down on the bed in front of him, propping his head up with his elbow. "Unfortunately it takes time to feel normal again. And sometimes it takes a while to start doing the things you used to do, going places you used to go. Remember when you first got here? You didn't want to leave the bunker. And you'd flinch every time we came near you. Now you're like... I don't know, cuddle buddies with Dean."

Cas blushed and covered his face in embarrassment, while Dean shot him a withering look.

Sam laughed. "It's okay. It's good. I'm just saying, look at the progress you've made in just a few weeks! Hell, you're lying here right now with Dean practically wrapped around you, and me all up in your space. And you aren't flinching and cowering like you used to."

Cas nodded slowly.

"And I just realized how awkward this is..." Sam suddenly grinned. "I'll leave you guys alone. I just wanted to make sure you were alright. "

"I'm not alright, " Cas said thoughtfully. "But I'm getting there."

"One day at a time, Cas," Sam smiled sadly as he patted his shoulder. He started to get up.

"You can stay," Cas said, grasping at his shirt sleeve. " I mean, if you want."

Sam wasn't quite sure how to respond. He looked at Dean, who just shrugged nonchalantly.

"Do you _want_ me to stay? " he finally asked.

"Only if you want to. I'll take all the support I can get right now," Cas said, his face flushing.

Every bit of anxiety Sam was feeling suddenly drained away as he looked at his despondent friend. "I can stay. If you don't think it'll be weird..."

Cas shrugged. "It's only weird if you make it weird. I just want to sleep."

Sam laughed out loud. " Point taken. " He lay down in front of Cas again and tentatively placed a hand on his ribs, but Cas pulled him in closer, wrapping an arm around his waist until he could rest his face against his chest.

Sam glanced up anxiously as Dean, who was still curled up tightly behind Cas. He rolled his eyes at Sam's worrying. "It's just sleep, Sammy," he muttered.

Cas drifted off almost immediately, feeling warm and safe again surrounded by his hunters.

"You sure this is alright? " Sam whispered. "I feel a little weird. "

Dean yawned sleepily. "How many times have you and I had to share a bed? What's the big deal? "

"Yeah, well we've never shared a bed with _Cas_.  He's kind of a snuggler, isn't he?" he grimaced.

"He's had a rough day. If sharing a bed with us tonight makes him feel safe, I'm all for it."

Sam nodded uncertainly. "As long as it doesn't feel weird to you..."

"S'only weird if you make it weird," Dean repeated. " Just get some sleep."


	8. Chapter 8

Cas had a problem. He was horribly, painfully aroused.

It was early, 5:21 a.m. according to Dean's alarm clock, and he had been feeling like this for well over an hour.

He'd been dreaming about the Honeybee Festival. It was a good dream, basically just recounting the day... until almost the end, when he and Dean slipped off into a nearby field of wildflowers. They had been sitting on the ground, watching the bees flit from flower to flower, when suddenly, Cas was on his back. Dean was hovering over him, gazing down adoringly as he began lavishing him with kisses. Cas kissed back hungrily, urging him on until Dean's body was on top of his. It felt so natural and safe in his dream. There was no hesitation or fear, he just arched into him as Dean began working teasing little kisses down his neck.

He'd woken up shortly after, so he didn't get to see where the dream went, but it was enough that he was still hard just thinking about it.

It was exciting and terrifying all at once. He hadnt felt genuinely aroused since long before the incident. Of course he awoke most mornings with a semi-erection, but he wasn't really _turned on_. Frankly, it usually just meant he had to pee.

But this was different. On one hand, he felt this was a good sign, that maybe it was just part of healing. However, even though he thrived on physical closeness, he still felt sick to his stomach when he thought about sex. The whole thing was utterly perplexing, and if he thought about it too long, the anxiety would make him run to the bathroom to vomit.  Regardless, it was a baby step. Maybe, just maybe, he was just starting to feel better.

As Dean had promised, the good days were slowly starting to outweigh the bad.   He'd only had two nightmares in the past two weeks, which was a vast improvement over when he'd arrived.  He'd been comfortable around Sam and Dean, and he'd even made a few trips out of the bunker with them for groceries and a few restaurant visits.  
  
More importantly than being aroused, Cas awoke this morning feeling almost like his old self - or maybe even better, because now he was waking up next to Dean.

Dean had gone from his friend, to his security blanket, and now to something more. Cas didn't quite know what that something was yet, but he could feel it in the gentle way Dean caressed his cheek. He could see it in the way Dean looked at him, no longer with guilt and pity like when he first arrived, but with something... more.  He was trying hard not to rush things, but he was also anxious to know what that 'more' really was.

He stretched languidly, and Dean clutched him tighter, his lips so close to Cas's neck that he could feel the heat radiating from them. The warm breath against his skin made him shivery and he spent a few too many minutes imagining what it might feel like if Dean were to kiss him there. He hummed happily in the back of his throat as he thought about it.  Sex might still feel scary, but kissing... that was a good thing.

He stretched again and yawned, making a little grunt of approval as Dean's lips brushed against his skin.

Dean stirred, humming his own little contented noise as his eyes opened.  "Mmm.  Morning," he whispered. And to Cas's surprise, he suddenly planted a soft kiss right where he'd been imagining it.

Cas gasped quietly, and Dean chuckled.  "Sorry.  I'm just so warm and comfy."

"It's okay," Cas managed.  He sat there silently for a moment as he rounded up the courage to ask his next question.  "Can you do that again?"

Dean laughed. "Cas..."

Cas sighed.  "Just once," he pleaded.

Dean grinned.  "Just once."  He pressed his lips to Cas's neck again, this time opening his mouth a little to gently suckle at the tender skin.

Before he could stop himself, Cas moaned loudly, his back arching and his eyes rolling back as Dean's lips and tongue teased at him.

Dean pulled back quickly, still grinning, but this time in embarrassment.  "Whoa.  Sorry.  That was way too much."

Cas shook his head, yanking him in closer.  "No.  More."

"Cas, I shouldn't have even done that..."

"Please, " Cas whispered.

Dean nodded breathlessly, letting his lips glide over the soft warmth of Cas's neck, kissing and nibbling, and licking at him as Cas whimpered and moaned quietly.  As he pulled back, Cas grabbed at the front of his t-shirt, yanking him down for a long, lingering kiss.

"Cas," Dean panted.  He knew he had already let this go on way too long and he was barely holding it together.  "We need to stop."

"No.  Dean, please..."  Cas pressed forward again, frantically clutching at him this time, as he let his tongue lick into Dean's mouth.

Try as he might, Dean couldn't help kissing back. He knew it was wrong, but for just a moment, he let himself get lost in the soft caresses, the panting and moaning noises, and the feel of Cas's body as it responded to his own.  He'd been restraining himself for so long now, he couldn't help but let it happen.  Still, the rational part of his mind finally prevailed, fighting it's way through the haze of lust he was currently drowning in.

"Cas," he said as he pulled away.  "We can't..."

Cas huffed and chewed his bottom lip nervously.  "I think we need to have that talk."

"Hmm?"  Dean asked in confusion.

"Dean..." he said awkwardly.  "I'm not just doing this because I'm messed up and confused.  Honestly, I've wanted this for a lot longer than that."

Dean paused,  staring for a moment in disbelief.  "You have?"

Cas covered his face with his elbow, blushing furiously.  "I mean, I didn't realize how _much_ I wanted it until we started getting close like this.  But yes."

"Oh," Dean managed, just staring at him in confusion.  "Why didn't you say something before?"

Cas peeked out from under his arm.  "I never thought you'd _want_ me.  Dean, it's pretty obvious that you enjoy the romantic company of females.  My vessel, if you haven't noticed, is male."

"You don't say?" Dean asked wryly.  He pulled Cas's arm away from his face so that he could look at him.   "Well, if we're being honest here, there have been a few... uh, males."

Cas's jaw dropped just slightly.  "Really?"

Dean shrugged.  "Sex is sex.  If it feels good, do it, I say."

"Why haven't I ever seen you with..."

"It's just easier this way, Cas," Dean interrupted.  "That's just how it is in small towns like this.  I do generally prefer women, yes.  But with the right guy..." 

Cas nearly laughed out loud in relief.  Even though he had felt something change between them lately, there was still a tiny part of him that thought Dean might just be humoring him.  It was ridiculous, he knew, but the depression he was dealing with sometimes made him think the worst.   "So... Um..." he tried, suddenly at a loss for words.

"So... Uh," Dean matched his fumbling nearly word for word.  "So what does this mean?"

"I... I don't know."

"Are you trying to tell me you want to take this a little further?"

Cas blushed and nodded coyly.

"Does it mean I can do _this_  some more?" Dean asked, shoving his face back into the crook of Cas's neck and nibbling.

"Ohhh," Cas panted.  "You can  _definitely_ do that."

Dean grinned, peppering his face with tiny kisses.  "Well that's good to know... how about this?"  Gently, he lifted the hem of Cas's t-shirt and kissed a trail up his chest and across his collarbone.

"Mmmhmm," Cas panted, his breathing jerky and erratic. "Dean, I... Wait."

Dean paused, gently pulling his shirt back into place.  "Sorry.  Too much?"

"No. It was nice.  But..."  he sighed as  Dean crashed back down next to him.  "I just don't know if I can... um... I'm still having some problems when I think about... having sex."

"Oh!" Dean exclaimed.  "Oh shit, Cas, no.   I wasn't gonna go any further.  It'll take time before you feel comfortable with... _that_ again.  I promise you, there's no pressure."

Cas let out a shaky breath.  "I'm sorry.  Maybe you were right.  Maybe it's stupid for me to think I can..."

"Cas, this is totally up to you.  It's not stupid, but there's also no rush.   _If_ you want to do this, we'll go as slowly as you need to.  If you want to keep things how they are, I'm good with that too.  As long as we still get to sleep together like this I'm good either way," he said, snuggling up to him and kissing his cheek.  "Because I'm kind of  used to this now and god, I sleep so well when I'm with you."

Cas gave him a tiny smile.  "I do too.  But I also really like the kissing part..."

"That _is_ good," Dean sighed contentedly.

"Can I tell you something?  It's kind of embarrassing." Cas suddenly blurted.

"Uh, sure.  What's up?"

Cas could already feel his face burning, and he wasn't quite sure why he felt the need to talk about this.  "Sometimes when we... um.  Snuggle like this..."  he paused nervously.  "Well, I've been getting...  uh...   _aroused_ lately."

Dean tried, unsuccessfully, to suppress his laughter.  "No big deal, Cas.  Sometimes I do too.  It happens."

"But  it's just been happening recently and it... it scares me," Cas stammered.

"Oh," Dean said, silently chastising himself for not catching on sooner.  He tried desperately to figure out the proper response to this confession.  "Well I guess it's good that you're getting aroused.  Wait..."  He laughed as he suddenly realized how ridiculous that statement sounded.  "I mean... maybe it means you're starting to get over that fear?  Or that you're relaxed enough that your body's finally doing it's normal thing again."

"I guess so," Cas said weakly.  "But it scares me.   _Sex_ scares me.  The fact that I'm _thinking_ about it again scares me."

Dean nodded slowly.  "Well, the beauty of it is, you don't have to do it unless you want to.  And hopefully one day when you feel like you want to do it again, the person you're with will be gentle with you."

"I was kind of hoping that person would be you."

Dean grinned.  "Well I was hoping that would be the case, but I didn't want to be too presumptuous."

Cas smiled, but he quickly sobered.  "Dean.  I want you to help me get through this."

"You know I'll do whatever I can to help, Cas.  But you _are_ getting through this.  You're doing really well."

"No.  I mean..."  Cas licked his lips nervously. "I want you to touch me."

Dean raised an eyebrow in confusion.  "You mean like...?"

Cas nodded vehemently.

Dean sat there with his jaw gaping for entirely too long.  He was completely blindsided by this request, and it took him a minute to regroup before he could respond.  "Cas," he said gently.  "Don't force yourself. When the time is right, you'll know."

Cas's eyes welled with tears. "Dean, please.  It's only because of you that I've learned to start trusting again.  If anyone can help me through this, it's you.  I want you to.  I trust you.   _Please_."

"Cas," Dean's voice softened.  "Are you sure you're really ready?"

" _Yes_.  I know I've been kind of fragile lately, but things are getting so much better.  And this time will be different, because I'm with _you_."

Dean took a deep breath and rubbed at his face tiredly.   He wasn't sure this was a good idea, but Cas downright begging him was just way more than he could bear. "Okay. But I have two rules.  First, you promise to tell me if it freaks you out. Second, you look at me."

"What?" Cas asked confusedly.

"I want you looking at me. I want you to remember where you are and who you're with."

Cas nodded breathlessly, "Yes.  Promise."

Dean raised up on his knees, moving down to the end of the bed.  Slowly, he began working off Cas's borrowed sleep pants.  "You okay?"

"Yes," Cas breathed.

His boxers came off next and Cas's body stiffened.

"Talk to me, Cas.  Still okay?" Dean asked.

"Yes," Cas whispered hesitantly.  He was _pretty_ sure he could handle this.  After all, it was just touching, not... well, _sex_.  Dean touched him all the time - he put his arms around him, rubbed his back; they snuggled together with their bodies pressed close every night.  There was no reason he couldn't handle this.

"Alright," Dean whispered, lying back down beside him.  "It's just you and me, okay?"  He began stroking Cas's hair and caressing his face until Cas smiled and shoved forward for another kiss.  He waited until they had both fallen into a comfortable makeout session before he let a hand wander down Cas's naked hip.

Cas nearly yelped as he felt the slight brush against his hip and Dean quickly pulled away, returning his attention to kissing him.

"Cas," he whispered.  "We don't have to..."

Cas grabbed his hand firmly and returned it to his hip.  "Want you to.  Really."

Tentatively, Dean let his hand wander again as he continued lavishing Cas's mouth and neck with attention.

Cas arched into him and bit his lip as Dean's lips latched onto his neck again.  Yes, kissing was good, Cas thought, frantically winding his fingers in Dean's hair and urging him on.  He was fully aroused now, his hips gently rocking on their own as they desperately searched for something to rub against.

Dean let his hand slide up under Cas's t-shirt and down his legs, teasingly working it's way up his inner thighs.  Each time Cas tensed up, he would pull his hand back and caress his cheek or stomach until he relaxed before trying again.

Cas was absolutely writhing under the kissing and tender caresses.  Dean was being so sweet and gentle with him, he almost wanted to cry. He just didn't understand why his body kept tensing up whenever he got close; it was so frustrating.

Dean was enjoying himself regardless. It felt so good to be able to kiss Cas like this. He'd wanted to do this for so long. Sure, he was also horny as hell, but that could wait until later. Right now Cas was way more important.  As Cas slowly loosened up, Dean ran a hand up his thigh again. When he finally didn't tense, he gently slid his hand between his legs.

Cas gasped as Dean's fingers wrapped around him, and Dean made sure to kiss the noises right from his mouth.

"Look at me, " Dean breathed as he broke their kiss. Slowly, he began stroking.

Cas gazed up at him with wide eyes. His cheeks were flushed, his mouth parted just slightly as he panted, and his hair was a mess from sleeping. It was ridiculously adorable and it took every ounce of Dean's restraint not to just devour him right there.

He swiped a thumb over the tip of Cas's cock, spreading the drop of wetness that was leaking there, and Cas's eyes slipped closed for a minute as the sensation overwhelmed him.

"Where are you, Cas?" Dean whispered.

Cas didn't open his eyes, but he responded quickly. "In the bunker, " he mumbled, mindlessly licking his lips.

"Good," Dean whispered soothingly. "And who's touching you?"

Cas smiled. "Dean." He opened his eyes and glanced down at himself, watching breathlessly as Dean spat into his hand and began pumping harder. "I'm okay," he breathed, shooting Dean a crooked smile.

Dean grinned. "Yeah you are," he said as he playfully kissed at his neck.

Cas laughed softly in relief before throwing his head back as another moan escaped his throat. His toes curled and his hips bucked this time and he desperately clung to Dean.

"Faster," he whispered, and Dean chuckled.

"I guess you _are_ alright..." Dean increased the speed as Cas began moaning uncontrollably.  
   
"Dean... Dean!  Ohhh!  Oh!  Oh! Oh!  Yes!  Ahhh..." Cas whimpered loudly as his hips jerked and spasmed.    When he stilled a minute later, he was laughing, gasping, and crying at the same time.    
  
"You okay?" Dean asked.  "These are happy tears, right?" he asked, sitting up and using his clean hand to wipe them away.    
  
"Yeah," Cas puffed.  "Ohhh.  Yes."   
  
Dean grinned as Cas's body physically relaxed, melting into a puddle on the bed.  "I'm just going to wash up and grab you a towel," he said, gently kissing his forehead.  "I'll be right back."  
  
Dean returned seconds later with a warm cloth, and Cas watched with a hazy, blissful look on his face as he was lovingly wiped clean.  
  
"Dean..." Cas mumbled sleepily.  "Can you hold me?"  
  
"Of course," Dean said.  He quickly located Cas's boxers and slid them back up his legs and then climbed back into bed, where Cas latched onto him immediately.  
  
"Thank you," he murmured.   "Thank you, Dean."  He lay there still trying to catch his breath for a few minutes before a thought occurred to him.  "Oh!  I should probably um... Let me do you," he said anxiously.   
  
"Not today, Cas," Dean whispered.   He felt Cas's body relax again.  "One step at a time, okay? "    
  
Cas kissed his cheek and sighed happily.  "You're so good to me."  
  
"You deserve it."  
  
Warm and comfortable, they both drifted asleep in each other's arms until a light tapping on the door startled them from their impromptu slumber.   
  
"Dean?  Cas?  You guys gonna sleep all day?  I made lunch," the voice on the other side of the door called.   
  
"Be down in a few, Sammy," Dean said.  He waited for the footsteps to retreat before nudging Cas.  "You ready for some food?"  
  
"I don't want to move, but I'm starving."  
  
Dean stretched and sat up.  "Come on.  Back to reality," he sighed.  "Sammy and I have a job, so I guess I should get moving.  Let's go have some lunch first."  
  
Cas arose, albeit a bit grudgingly, and slipped a borrowed pair of Dean's pants on.   "So what's the job today?" he asked.   
  
"Just another restless spirit, we think.  Should be a simple salt and burn."    
  
Cas hummed thoughtfully.  "Want some help?"  
  
Dean paused in the middle of pulling on his jeans, his eyes widening in surprise.  "You want to come?"  
  
Cas took a deep breath and nodded.  "If you want me to.  I mean..."  he paused.  "I want to start feeling normal again."  
  
Tears pricked at Dean's eyes, and though he tried to fight it, he couldn't stop the stray one from falling down his cheek.  He quickly wiped it away as he smiled.  
  
"That would be awesome."


	9. Chapter 9

"Cas?  Cas are you okay?  Cas!"

Cas could hear a faint voice calling to him, but he didn't know where it was coming from. Everything sounded distorted as if he were underwater, and he couldn't see anything through the infinite blackness.

All at once his senses started flooding back.  The first thing he noticed was a dull, throbbing pain in his head, followed by a hand tapping the right side of his face. He suddenly realized it was only dark because his eyes were closed, and he opened them and blinked hard, trying to banish the foggy feeling from his head.

"Cas!" Dean exclaimed.  "Holy shit, are you okay?"

"What...happened?" he managed as he struggled to sit up.

"Whoa, just stay down," another voice said. Sam suddenly appeared and knelt down at his other side.  "Talk to me for a minute.  Do you know where you are, Cas?"

The memory suddenly rushed back to him as he glanced around the room and he rubbed his temples.  "Yeah.  We're hunting.  Restless spirit.  It threw me across the room, didn't it?"

Sam nodded.  "Good.  Watch my finger," he commanded.  He held up his pointer finger and moved it side to side, then up and down.

Cas focused on Sam's hand, following it with his eyes, and Sam nodded in approval.

"I don't think you have a concussion," he said in relief.  "Let us help you up."

The two hunters each grabbed an arm and hoisted him up off of the floor.

"Did you find what was keeping him here?" Cas murmured tiredly.   They had already salted and burned the body, but when the spirit reappeared, they returned to look for any remnants they might have missed.   Cas had been rifling through a bookcase when he was suddenly was flung halfway across the room.

"Yeah," Dean said.  "Lock of hair.  It was in a photo album on the shelf you were digging through."   He put an arm around Cas's shoulder as he guided him down the porch stairs.   "You okay?"

"Head hurts," Cas said, gingerly touching the growing lump on the back of his head.  "But I'm okay."

Dean helped him into the back seat of the Impala.  "Well, the motel isn't far from here.  You can rest soon."

"I can drive," Sam interrupted.  "Keep an eye on him.  Just in case."

Dean tossed him the keys and climbed into the backseat next to Cas. "Lemme see, " he said quietly. He ran his fingers through the back of Cas's hair, careful not to hurt him. "Well you're not bleeding either. Think you're just gonna have a big goose egg there."

Cas nodded and sighed, leaning into Dean's shoulder. "Still felt good to be useful today," he said softly. "Well, until I wasn't. "

Dean laughed. "Happens to the best of us, Cas."  
  
Sam pulled the car into the motel parking lot minutes later, and opened Cas's door, checking him over meticulously.  "Still okay? " he asked.

"Yes.  Just tired," Cas said. "It was an exhausting day. I think I'm ready for bed. "  He stepped out of the car, woozily grabbing Sam's arm.  

Dean yawned in agreement. "It's after four already and checkout is at eleven. I'm going right to sleep too."

By the time Sam had taken a quick shower, Dean and Cas were already in bed. Once again, Cas was snuggled up to Dean's chest while Dean was practically smothering him with his body. Though his eyes were closed, he could tell that Dean wasn't really asleep yet, and Sam shook his head in confusion. It was still weird. Cas had been with them a few months, and it seemed like they should be past sleeping together by now. He understood it at first; he even understood Cas's occasional need to feel safe with both of them on really bad nights, but at this point, it just seemed like he was becoming a little too codependent.

Sam crawled into his bed and switched the lamp off. He supposed he shouldn't judge.  Like _he_ had any room to talk about codependency issues.  Healing took time, and if it helped Cas cope, then he'd keep his mouth shut.  He rolled onto his side and pulled the blankets up to his chin, then closed his eyes.  He had nearly drifted off when a muffled hum startled him. He ignored it at first, assuming it was just a noise someone made in their sleep...until he heard it again.

"Mmmm..."

Suddenly the other faint rustling noises he was hearing started making sense. Kissing. He could definitely hear kissing. _Dean, you fucking ass_ , he thought. He lay there for a few minutes trying to figure out why he was so damn angry. They had talked about this! If this set Cas's recovery back, he was gonna kick his damn ass.

"Dean, " he demanded firmly. He hadn't even thought about what he was going to say, but he was so angry it just came out. He stood and abruptly headed to the door. "Can I talk to you outside? " He stormed out, slamming the door behind him.

Dean looked at Cas and sighed. "Shit. I thought he was asleep. "

"Me too," Cas said nervously.

"Be right back, " he said giving Cas a quick kiss on the forehead.

"Are you out of your fucking _mind_?" Sam greeted him as he strode toward the Impala.

"Shhh," Dean said, glancing around the motel's parking lot. "Don't wake everyone in the place! If you're gonna bitch at me, get in the car," he said, rolling his eyes as he climbed into the driver's seat.

Sam got in next to him and slammed the door.

"Hey, don't take it out on Baby," Dean protested.

Sam just ignored him. "What the hell was that? Dean, we talked about this!"

"I know! I didn't mean for it to happen! It's just..."

"I swear to God, Dean, if you set all his progress back..."

Dean sighed dramatically. "Sammy..."

"And a relationship could really fuck him up! Do you really think he's ready for sex after a trauma like that?" He thought back to Cas's breakdown near the truck stop that night and his eyes began to water. "Dean, you can't do this to him. Not right now."

"Who said anything about sex?"

Sam looked at him like he was crazy. "Yeah, because your relationships are always celibate," he scoffed. "How long has this been going on? "

"Uh. Hey, we haven't done anything but kiss," he lied.  Okay, he felt bad about it, but stretching the truth a little wouldn't hurt.   The other stuff was between him and Cas.  "And that just happened last night. I mean, he tried kissing me weeks ago, but..."

Sam frowned in confusion. "What?"

Dean shrugged, embarrassed.  "I... I kept telling him we should w... wait until he felt better, but last night we uh... We had a talk and..." He glanced down at the steering wheel. He was stuttering and blushing like a lovesick teenager and he couldn't take Sam glaring at him anymore. He sighed again and started over. "Look, it turns out we've both wanted this for a long time. Since way before this. And I'm not stupid, Sam. I'm not going to push him to do anything. He's calling the shots here."

Sam stared at him for a few minutes more before speaking. It was somewhat amusing how his older brother could revert to looking like a child who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar whenever Sam got angry with him.

"He really started this?"

Dean nodded anxiously.

"Huh," Sam mused. "Alright," he said slowly. "I'm sorry. And I know you're not stupid. It's just... I've never seen _anyone_ break down like that, Dean. Honestly, it scared the shit out of me. I can't even imagine what he's been through. And he's family, so of course I worry about him."

"I know, Sammy. I know. But you've only seen him break down _once_. I've seen it _dozens_ of times. And I don't know everything, but I know a _lot_ of what he's been through.  Trust me. I wouldn't do anything that would jeopardize how far he's come."

Sam nodded, his eyes tearing up a little. "Alright. I trust you. Hell, you're a lot of the reason he's made it this far. Just..."  He sighed.  "Be careful, alright?"

"Of course. " Dean stepped out of the car, somewhat relieved. That hadn't been as painful as he'd imagined it would be. He loved the fact that Sam never questioned his occasional interest in guys. Deep down, he was sure Sam always knew, even though they'd never really talked about it.

"Come on, " Sam said, throwing an arm around his shoulder as they headed toward the door. "Oh, and Dean?  One more thing."

"What?"

"Don't make out while I'm in the same room. It's just fuckin' awkward."

"We thought you were asleep!" Dean exclaimed.

Sam just rolled his eyes and shoved him through the door.

Wordlessly, Dean climbed back into bed and Cas curled up in his arms again. Dean gave him a soft peck on his forehead, and Cas glanced at him curiously, wondering what in the world that was all about.

"Everything is fine," he whispered, giving him a reassuring smile. "Get some rest. "

: : : : : : :

Dean hadn't been sleeping long when suddenly, he was awakened by a firm hit to the chest. Even though he had been through this a few times, it was hard to kick the habit of reaching for his gun. His hand was halfway to groping under the bed before his mind cleared. Right. Cas. He grabbed Cas's wrist just as the hand came at him again, and Cas kicked out with his feet.

"Cas," he whispered, but Cas just groaned and thrashed helplessly.

"Cas," he said louder.

This time he woke Sam. "What's going on? " he asked in alarm, switching on the lamp.

"Just a nightmare. Go back to sleep... Cas!" This time he gently shook his shoulder as he called him. "Cas. You're okay, " he said firmly. "Wake up, Cas."

"No!" Cas yelled, lashing out again just as Dean shook him.  He awoke in a state of panic, and it took him a few seconds to figure out what was going on. "Oh!"  He lay there, wide-eyed and panting for a moment.  "Sorry. I didn't hit you again, did I?" he asked apologetically.

"Nah," Dean lied.  "You okay?"

Tears were already streaming down his face, but he nodded firmly as he wiped at them.   "Yeah."  He took a deep breath.  "That was a rough one.  It was so..."  he paused.  "Real."  He shook his head and frowned. Just about then he noticed that Sam was curiously peering over from his bed.  "I'm okay," he said, trying not only to convince them, but also himself.

"Come here," Dean coaxed.  He wrapped an arm around Cas's waist and pulled him in close, slipping his other arm underneath under his head.  "You're okay," he murmured.  "I've got you, Cas."  He brushed his lips gently against Cas's forehead as Cas's body began to heave.  Dean could tell he was fighting back a sob by the way he was breathing, and he quickly motioned for Sam to shut off the light.

"You can cry if you need to," he whispered.  "It's okay."

Within seconds, Cas was a sobbing, blubbering mess.

"Hey, hey.  Breathe for me," Dean commanded.  "Shhhh."  He was suddenly a little self-conscious now that Sam was in the room, but dammit, Cas needed him.  "Look at me," he said, softly.  "Breathe."  He took a few deep breaths with him as he stroked his hair, trying to calm him.

"I'm sorry. I don't know where that came from," Cas sniffed, wiping at his eyes again. "I've been doing so well."

"You have," Dean said. "But it doesn't all go away at once, Cas. I wish it did. I still have dreams about Hell sometimes. Not very often anymore but every once in a while, I'll wake up in a cold sweat... I know that sucks, but I promise you, it will get better. It's _already_ getting better. Don't get discouraged over a setback."

Cas nodded weakly.

"Look at you; you're out on a _hunt_!   Next thing you know, you'll be getting your Grace back and flitting around like your normal self!"

Cas took a deep breath and nodded. "Soon."

"That's my boy, " Dean smiled. " You wanna try to sleep again? "

"Yeah. Thank you, Dean." Cas leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek.

" You're welcome. Night, Cas."

Sam was lying there quietly, pretending to be asleep. He hadn't meant to listen to their conversation, but considering the circumstances, it was nearly impossible not to. The situation still worried him, but he had to admit that Dean was surprisingly good at comforting Cas.  He was all raw emotion and touchy-feely... It was a side of Dean he didn't know existed.  
  
Sure, he knew Dean was an excellent caregiver - after all, he'd practically raised him.  And for all his macho bullshit, deep down, Dean was a fairly sensitive guy. Still, he'd seen him with plenty of girls over the years, and this...this was different.    
  
_Holy shit._ His eyes opened as the realization suddenly hit him. Dean really _loved_ Cas.  He'd suspected something might be going on between them for years, but he thought that 'something' was just sex.   It was all painfully obvious, now that he thought about it.  Those awkward, bumbling idiots _loved_ each other.    
  
 He lay there pondering this for a moment.  Sam knew firsthand that it was nearly impossible for a hunter to settle into a relationship.  Their lives were far from normal, and not many humans could deal with what they did for a living.  If Dean had to choose anyone, he was glad it was Cas.  Dating an angel was probably as close to a 'normal' relationship as a hunter could get.    
  
Despite his worries, Sam couldn't help but smile as he heard Cas's blissful sigh and more rustling as the two of them snuggled in closer.   
  
Okay.  He supposed he could be on board with this.  
  
After all, Dean was happy for once, and Cas... Cas was going to be alright.  


	10. Chapter 10

"Three hunts under your belt.  You're a natural.  How does it feel, Cas?"  Sam asked as they made their way back to the Impala.

Cas gave him a wry smile.  "I don't know about that, but it feels good.  Well, mostly.  I'm still a bit disturbed at lighting that thing on fire. Disgusting," he said wrinkling his nose.

Dean grinned and slung an arm around him. "Sure its disgusting, but you killed your first wendigo today! You did good.  Who knew you'd be good with a flamethrower?"

"You know, it'll be much easier when I have my Grace. They incinerate faster. Less mess and... screaming." He shuddered.

Sam glanced at Dean and shot him a little smile. It was good to hear Cas talking about getting his Grace back, and it was happening more frequently.

After dinner at the closest diner they could find, they began the long trek back to the bunker.  They rode home in a comfortable silence, the combination of heavy diner food and the satisfaction of a good hunt making them sleepy and content.

Cas had fallen asleep in the back seat, and every so often he'd elicit a snore or mumble that would make Sam laugh hysterically, and Dean couldn't help but smile.  Sam's cautious but easy acceptance of their budding relationship was a relief, and he'd taken to Cas like a big brother would - complete with merciless teasing, and hounding him to take care of himself.

Miles of empty highway and a plethora of classic rock music later, Dean finally pulled the Impala into the garage and cut the engine.  Yawning and stretching as he stepped out of the car, he reached back to open Cas's door for him.

"Cas.  Wake up.  We're home," he announced to the sleeping mass buried under Sam and Dean's jackets.

Cas groaned.  "Tired," he mumbled.  "Can't I sleep here?"

Sam laughed. "Good luck with that, Dean," he smirked before turning and heading up to the library.

"You're not sleeping in the garage. C'mon." Gently, Dean nudged him and managed to pull his sleepy body out of the car with minimal help from Cas. "Besides, I'm gonna get a complex, with you not wanting to sleep with me tonight," Dean winked.

Cas smiled sleepily. "I always want to sleep with you."

"Good, then move your feet so I can get you upstairs."

Dean led him to the bedroom and stripped him down to his boxers, then gently settled him down on the bed.  He stripped off his own shirt and jeans, and began rifling through the dresser for a clean t-shirt. Much to his surprise, as he turned back around, Cas was watching him intently.

Cas's face turned three shades of red as he noticed he'd been caught. "Sorry," he mumbled.  "I um... I didn't mean to..."

"You see something you like there, angel?" Dean teased.  He pulled the shirt down over his head and crawled into bed next to him.

Cas downright giggled as Dean nuzzled his cheek. It was a sound Dean had never heard him make, in complete contrast to his usual gravelly voice, and he couldn't help but grin.

"Maybe," Cas shyly.

"Mmm," Dean purred. "Maybe you should kiss me."

Cas didn't waste any time.  He hummed happily as their lips met, and Dean's tongue immediately dipped into his mouth.  He moaned and kissed back, urging Dean on.  He was chasing that feeling he got whenever they kissed - the one that made him feel safe and loved, the one that made him forget about everything else for just a few minutes. The one that made him feel euphoric for the first time in his long life.

Dean deepened the kiss and Cas felt his entire body flush with heat. Floating. He was sure he was floating as Dean's tongue gently traced his bottom lip then delved back in, devouring him as if he were something to be savored.

"Thought you were tired," Dean mumbled as he pulled back for air.

"I was.  Not anymore."

Dean grinned and went in for more.

Cas was blissfully unaware of anything but Dean - the lingering taste of blueberry pie on his tongue from the diner, the feeling of his calloused fingertips as they caressed his cheek, the smell of leather, and gun oil, and mid-range aftershave that was so quintessentially _Dean_. He was so wrapped up in what he was _feeling_ , that he didn't realize what he was _doing_.  Somehow, he had mindlessly inched his way on top of Dean, and he froze in place as he suddenly became aware of it.

"Cas?" Dean asked softly.

Cas was staring down at him, his blue eyes wide and awed as he noticed Dean's erection pressed firmly against his own. He was breathing heavily, a mixture of lust, fear, and anxiety washing over him all at once.

Dean sat stone-still as he waited for Cas to get his bearings. "Cas," he repeated quietly. "You're in control here."

Cas nodded breathlessly, pulling back to a sitting position as he straddled his legs. Timidly, he brushed his fingertips over the bulge in Dean's pants.

Dean closed his eyes and bit down on his bottom lip as he tried to calm himself. As much as he wanted to just guide that trembling hand right down his pants, he knew he needed to behave.  So he let Cas tentatively stroke and fondle him through his shorts even though he was twitching in anticipation.  Cas kept glancing up at him with a nervous look, and Dean decided he should probably say _something_.

"That feels nice," he whispered encouragingly.

Cas just continued to stare at him, still looking somewhat confused and astonished by his own actions. He glanced down at Dean's groin and let his hands slip to the waistband of his shorts, toying nervously with the elastic.

Dean nodded gently, and Cas tugged them down before he had a chance to change his mind.  Once again, he sat there staring long enough to make Dean more than a little self-conscious.

"Cas?" Dean asked gently.  "Talk to me."

"I... Uh.  Sorry, I..." he shook his head as if confused.

"You're in control here, Cas," Dean reminded him again.  "And you don't have to do _anything_."

Cas took a deep breath.  "Maybe I should kiss you again," he said finally.

Dean smiled and pulled him back down into a gentle kiss, and Cas gasped as their hips rubbed together.

"You okay?"

Cas nodded.  "That... feels good."

Dean laughed and wrapped his arms around him.  "Mmmhmm."

Cas wasn't really sure how it happened, but the next thing he knew, his hips were moving as if on their own.  "Dean..." he whimpered.

"Shhh.  You're alright, Cas.  You can stop if you want, you know..."

"I don't want to stop," Cas rasped.  Even if he _did_ want to, he wasn't sure he _could_.  It felt strange and liberating to take control of his own pleasure like this.  The only time he'd had an enjoyable sexual experience was with April, and he had been so inexperienced that he basically just laid there as she took the lead.   This was overwhelming, but in the best possible way.  His boxers were already damp as he felt Dean's cock straining against his own, and it was exciting him rather than scaring him.  A moan escaped his lips, and he bucked his hips faster, reveling in the delicious friction between the two of them.

Dean stilled himself, patiently letting Cas take the reins.  He reached up and touched a hand to his cheek as he whispered little words of encouragement.

"That's it, Cas.  Just do what feels good."

"Dean," Cas suddenly whined.  "I... uh... Can you... um... take over?" he panted.

Dean smiled and pulled him down into another long kiss as he rolled his hips upward.

"N...No," Cas stuttered.  "I mean..." he wrapped an arm around his shoulder and pulled, rolling Dean on top of him.   "Oh!" he gasped as Dean's weight settled against his chest.

"You sure?"

Cas nodded and Dean began wildly thrusting against him as they kissed.  "Dean... This feels... so..."

"Shhh, I know, Cas.  I'm gonna take care of you right now, okay?"  Dean snapped his hips a little faster.

Cas nodded and squeezed his eyes shut, digging his fingertips into Dean's back as the fire in his abdomen intensified.   "Dean..." he whimpered.  "I'm going to..."

"Mmmhmm.  Come on, gorgeous, let it go for me," Dean crooned.

The unlikely little term of endearment sent Cas slipping over the edge.  He cried out as his body jerked and pulsing little waves of pleasure consumed him.  "Dean!" he mewled as his body tensed. Cas didn't even attempt to keep quiet as his orgasm ripped through him.

Dean briefly thought about shushing him, but before he could say a word, his climax shattered through him. "Ohhh Cas! Fuck yeah. Yesss. Cas! Mmpff. Oh! Oh! Fuuuck."  He lunged forward, locking Cas in a bruising kiss as the aftershocks raced through them.  Finally, their bodies went limp and he rolled off of Cas to give him some space. "Holy shit," he panted.   "You okay?"   Cas was looking at him with that awed expression on his face again, and it was somewhat disconcerting.

"Yeah," Cas hummed thoughtfully. "I am. Come back," he urged, pulling Dean on top of him again. He closed his eyes and chewed his bottom lip blissfully as Dean nuzzled at his neck. "That feels so good, " he murmured. " I thought this would be harder."

Dean glanced up and quirked an eyebrow at him. "That's not something a guy wants to hear, Cas."

"Shut up, Dean," Cas laughed. " You know what I mean."

Dean grinned.

"I wonder if it'll always be this easy..." Cas mused.

Dean settled in at his side, resting his head on his shoulder. "It's hard to say. But don't be surprised if you have a bunch of good days and then suddenly get slammed with a bad one. Just like the nightmares. It's starting to get easier overall though, so that's a good thing."  He comfortingly strummed his fingers against Cas's chest as he spoke, making him shiver.

"I just thought I'd freak out when you were on top of me.  I had a brief second of panic but then you started kissing me and it all went away," he said quietly. "I thought I'd feel trapped or helpless, but instead I felt... _safe_."

"You shouldn't stroke my ego like that, Cas," Dean quipped.

Cas smiled. "Just take the complement, Dean."

Dean's face flushed.  "Well, I'm glad today is a good day. I'm gonna go clean up and get you a towel."  He kissed Cas's cheek and slipped into his bathrobe.

Seconds later, Cas lay there as Dean began his cleaning ritual again, removing his now-soaked boxers and wiping him down with a warm, damp washcloth.

"Does this do it for you?" Dean laughed as Cas's dick twitched excitedly.  "Cripes, I need at least a half hour," he mumbled.

Cas blushed.  "I don't know, but I like it.  It feels nice.  And you're so gentle..." he fumbled.  "It's just... nice," he sighed.

Dean grinned and rolled his eyes, and tossed the cloth into a nearby laundry basket.  "God, I love you, you dork."  He paused for a minute after the words left his mouth.  He didn't even know where it had come from, it just kind of...came out.  He anxiously watched for Cas's reaction.

Cas cocked his head to the side curiously. "You love me?"

"Uhh..."

"I knew it," Cas murmured.

Dean nervously rubbed at the back of his neck.  "This is about the time you're supposed to say it back, Cas..."

Cas just laughed.  "Come here."  He put his arm out and motioned for Dean to lie back down.  "I love you, Dean," he said softly as he kissed his forehead.  "I've loved you from the moment I pulled you out of Hell."

Dean swallowed hard, trying to chase the tears from his watery eyes.  "Cas..."

"Now here you are pulling me from my own Hell, and I love you even more."

Dean frantically wiped at his eyes.  "Jesus, Cas. You big sap."

Cas chuckled. "Hey, I'm not the one who's crying," he teased.

"Shut up."

Cas just laughed and kissed him again.  "Let's get some sleep."


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> May be a little bit trigger-y in the beginning. You can skip over the first paragraph if you'd like, just some flashback/dream stuff.

_Cas was sitting at a diner with a steaming cup of black coffee in his hand.  Across from him, Sam and Dean were enjoying dinner after a long day of hunting, and the waitress was filling their water glasses.  Or at least he thought it was the waitress. As she turned to fill his glass, he realized that 'she' was a 'he' - a 'he' he only partially recognized.  He desperately searched his memory, trying to remember where he'd seen that face, and when the realization hit him, he was absolutely blindsided.  Suddenly he was back at the truck stop on a cold, dirty bathroom floor, screaming and thrashing helplessly.  Blinding white light filled his senses as pain tore through his body, the smell of blood and semen filled his nostrils... and then darkness.  As he blinked hard, trying to drive the pain from his head, a shadowy figure appeared in the doorway.  For a moment he was filled with another wave of terror until he saw the man's bright green eyes come in to view.  Dean.  Dean was on his attacker in a flurry of fists and knives before Cas could even blink again, and the next thing he knew, he was being lifted from the floor and carried off to the Impala._

_He was taken to the bunker and bathed, his wounds cleaned and tucked into bed.  When Dean insisted he roll over so that he could tend to his wings, Cas balked.  He knew that he couldn't manifest his wings into the physical world.  Stolen Grace just wasn't strong enough; He needed his **own** Grace.  But Dean was persistent.  He kept hounding until Cas finally gave a halfhearted attempt to release them, and to his own surprise, two tattered black wings unfurled around them.  He was embarrassed to find they were in such disarray, the feathers dirty, torn, and twisted.  They looked so broken and ugly, he thought he might cry.   Dean just kissed him tenderly, then began working through the tangled mass of feathers, preening and straightening them back into shape.  Little tendrils of Grace prickled at the downy feathers as Dean worked, though Cas didn't understand where they were coming from.  Still, the warm tingling sensations continued to pulse and flow through Dean's hands as he preened the damaged feathers back to health.  By the time he had finished, Cas's wings were full and healthy, and they shone like polished obsidian.   A heavy feeling of peace came over him as Dean took him in his arms, and Cas let his wings envelope them like a cocoon. They lay there for hours, little tingles of Grace singing through their bodies.  _ _Cas kept asking how it was possible, how Dean was able to fix his wings.  But Dean wouldn't tell him._

_"I didn't fix your wings.  You did, Cas," he'd said._

_Cas insisted he couldn't fix himself, that he was too weak and nearly powerless without his Grace, but Dean kept shushing him, insisting he was much stronger than he thought he was._

::::::::::::::::::::::

Cas awoke in a cold sweat, like he had so many times over the past few months.  Usually when he jolted awake like this, he was waking in a fit of terror, but today was different. This morning, all he felt was  _rage_.

That face.  How could he have forgotten what that face looked like?   He'd somehow blocked it from his mind after the trauma, but suddenly there it was, burned into his brain again.  Most of his memories from that night were bits and pieces, shattered fragments and abstract feelings of helplessness, pain, and genuine fear.  Seeing that face again brought more details rushing back, details he'd rather not remember.

"Cas?" Dean asked softly.  The arm around his waist firmly tightened, and Cas entwined his fingers with Dean's and squeezed.

"I'm okay," he said resolutely.

"You're shaking."

Cas didn't acknowledge this fact as he stared at the wall across from him.  "I remembered his face," he said quietly.

Dean took a deep breath and snuggled in closer.  "You didn't before?"

"No.  There are a lot of things I don't remember about that night. Or at least, there were. Many of them are suddenly coming back to me."

For a moment, Dean just held him, completely unsure of what to say. "Come here," he finally whispered, coaxing him onto his back.  He lay his head on Cas's shoulder and wiped a few stray tears from his face.  "What can I do, Cas?"

"Nothing," Cas sighed.  "I'm fine.  I'm just _angry_. Humiliated and angry."

"What do you remember about him?  Sammy and I will hunt his ass down right now..."

"No,"  Cas interrupted.  "Dean, don't you dare.  You have enough blood on your hands, you don't need the burden of human blood too."

"But Cas..."

"No, Dean. "

Dean sighed heavily. He had fantasized about beating the shit out of this guy for weeks, but if he was being completely honest with himself, he wasn't sure he could stop there. Nothing in the world could ever make up for what he did to Cas. It wasn't just what he had done to him physically - that had been horrendous enough - but he'd also hurt him mentally and emotionally. He'd destroyed his self-esteem, made him fearful, made him doubt and question his own worth. It was all too unforgivable.

"I can practically _hear_ you scheming. Promise me, Dean," Cas demanded.

Dean grumbled. "Fine. I wont track him down. I don't even know what the guy looks like anyway. "

"Yes,  And I think that's best for now," Cas said firmly.

Dean lay there, inwardly seething. He may have promised he wouldn't go looking for the guy, but if they happened to cross paths, all bets were off.  He shifted his focus back to Cas.  "Do you want to talk about it?" he asked quietly.

"No," Cas said as he mindlessly ruffled his fingers through Dean's hair.  "It's just given me much to think about."  Before he could elaborate, there was a loud tapping at the door.

"Guys?  We really need to hit the road. We've got a long drive ahead of us," Sam called.

"'Kay, Sammy."  Dean sat up and looked at Cas.  "I guess we'd better get moving," he said.  "I mean, you don't have to go.  You can stay here and relax if you want."

Cas shook his head. "I think I'd rather stay busy and keep my mind off things."

:::::::::::::::

True to his word, Castiel kept busy. By the end of the night, he had practically managed to slay an entire nest of vampires himself.

It was actually somewhat frightening to watch Cas work this evening.  Dean had never seen him so deadly calm and violent.  He'd seen him get a little smite-y from time to time, but  it was nothing like this human-esque Castiel, armed with nothing but a machete and his new-found rage.

As they headed back to the Impala, Dean grabbed a blanket out of the trunk to lay across the back seat. No way in hell was Cas going to sit on his interior covered in all that blood.

"Guess we'll head straight home," he lamented. His stomach was growling and he had been hoping to stop at a drive-thru on the way, but they didn't dare with a blood-soaked angel in the back seat.

"Are you okay, Cas? " Sam asked, glancing over his shoulder.  Cas's eyes were glazed over as he stared out the window, as if deep in thought.

"Yes," he answered simply.

The ride home was quiet. Cas didn't say a word, and Sam wasn't really sure what to say. Clearly something had changed in Cas tonight, but he wasn't going to hound him about it. Dean was just wondering what Cas was going to be like when they got back to the bunker.

::::::::::

"Let me wash you, " Dean said softly as Cas began stripping off his blood-encrusted clothing. He'd been brushing his teeth when Cas walked into the bathroom in search of a towel, then thought better of it and decided to stay for a shower.  

Cas sighed and obediently handed Dean a washcloth before stepping behind the shower curtain.

"Sure you don't wanna talk about anything? " Dean asked as he stripped down and followed Cas into the bathtub.

Cas shook his head. "Not right now."

"Okay..."  He tilted Cas's head back into the shower spray and soaked his hair, letting little pink-red trickles of water stream down the drain.  "Good work out there by the way. I've never seen you so... I don't know, it's like you were possessed. Kinda scared me."

Cas sighed and closed his eyes as Dean began soaping up his back. " I'm sorry. I may have been a little overzealous."

Dean nodded in agreement. "A little? I think Sam and I killed one each to your ten!" He chuckled fondly. "You know, mojo or not, you're a pretty badass hunter, Cas."

Cas smiled. "Good to know if the angel-thing doesn't work out, I have options," he said wryly.

"Hey.  Don't even joke about that," Dean said. "You're gonna get your Grace back." He paused to squirt some shampoo into his hand and started working it through Cas's hair.

Cas chewed his bottom lip anxiously. "Actually I need to talk to you about that," he said, turning around to face him.

"Hmm?"

"I don't know how to say this but... I have to go, Dean. "

Dean's face dropped. "What do you mean? "

Cas took a deep breath and continued. "I can never thank you enough for what you've done for me. And I don't want to leave, but I _need_ to get my Grace back. I have to stop hiding and get back to normal..." he said weakly, tears welling up in his blue eyes as he spoke.

"Oh." Dean knew this day was coming. And while he'd been hoping for it, at the same time, he was secretly dreading it. The time he'd spent with Cas these past few months had been surreal. He was warm and safe in the little cocoon they'd made, and he wasn't ready to not wake up next to Cas every morning.

"I'm sorry, Dean, " Cas whispered.

"No," Dean said, taking in the dejected look on his face. "It's okay, Cas. I mean, I'm bummed that you're leaving the bunker, but I'm glad you're getting back to normal. "

"It's just... I'm not completely me without my powers and..."

Dean gently pressed a finger to his lips. "You don't need to explain. Of course you need to get your Grace back. I'm excited for you, Cas. And if there's anything Sam and I can do, just say the word."

Cas smiled faintly. "Thank you. But this is something I have to do on my own. "

Dean nodded. "I'm gonna miss sleeping together. "

"Me too. But I'll still be around. And as soon as I can, I'll be back. I promise."

Dean smiled sadly. "I'm proud of you, man." He leaned in and wrapped his arms around him.

Cas squeezed him back tightly. "I couldn't have done it without you." After a few minutes, they pulled away, wiping at tears.

"Well," Dean said, "Enough of these chick flick moments. Let's get dried off. You're not leaving tonight, are you?"

"No. I think we deserve a last night together. I mean, for now."

Dean grinned. "Good."

"Besides, there's one more thing I want you to do for me."

Dean squinted at him curiously. "Okay. Like what?"

"Dean," he breathed, leaning in close to Dean's ear.  "I want you to fuck me."


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't help it. I'm a sucker for awkward, fumbling sex.
> 
> Also it's 3:30 a.m. I'll do another proofread in the morning, because I'm sure I missed something.

Dean froze in place, towel still partially draped over his head from drying it.  Just hearing that word out of Cas's mouth was shocking enough, but what Cas was suggesting...

"Cas, you can't possibly be ready for..."

"Maybe I am, maybe I'm not.  But I want to try.  With you," Cas said, blue eyes resolute and full of sincerity.

Dean drew in a sharp breath as he wrapped his towel around his waist.  "It's not that I don't want to.  Because believe me, I do.  But you don't want to set back all your progress by pushing yourself too fast."

Cas calmly wrapped his own towel and grabbed Dean's hand.  "Come on."  He dragged him down the hallway and into Dean's bedroom, and just as calmly, he removed both of their towels before shoving Dean down on the bed.

"Cas..."  Dean protested, but he didn't get to finish before Cas's lips were on his, and he mumbled a few words into his mouth before giving in.

"Please, Dean," he whispered in between kisses.  "If it's too much we can stop...  But I... I want you to show me how it's _supposed_ to be.  I need to know there's more to it than... _that_."

Dean nodded nervously as Cas continued kissing a trail down the side of his neck. "I just don't think it's a good idea yet, Cas.  There's no rush.  We can do this _any_ time, and... _fuck_..."

"I love you, Dean.  I _trust_ you. I want to try this.  And I promise I'll tell you if it's too much."

Dean was already breathing heavily as Cas began sucking little bites into his neck and collarbone, and part of his stupid brain was wondering why the hell he was still resisting this. "Well," he finally managed, "I guess we can fool around a little and see where it goes..."

Cas grunted and grabbed his hand, guiding it between his legs, coaxing Dean to wrap his fingers around him.

"You're not fucking around tonight, are you? " Dean murmured.

Cas grinned, and Dean started stroking him as they kissed again. He whined as Dean pulled away a few minutes later, only to get a small laugh in return.

"I'm just grabbing something, geez, " Dean chuckled. He reached for the ever-present purple tube in the drawer next to his bed.  "Lie down."

"What's that? " Cas asked.

"It's lube. What do you think it is? " Dean laughed.

Cas narrowed his eyes and tilted his head. "What do you do with it? "

Dean almost laughed again until he realized that Cas wasn't joking. "Are you serious? "

Cas flushed in embarrassment. He was never good at admitting when he didn't understand something.

Dean cringed a little at the implication of that, and took a deep breath before answering. "Right. Okay.  So this is lube," he started. So much for romance, he quipped to himself; this might just turn into a sex-ed lesson. Well, someone needed to teach the guy, and it might as well be him. "Give me your hand, " he instructed. Cas held out his right hand and Dean squirted some into his palm. "Let it warm up for a minute, then touch yourself for me."

Cas shot him an amused look, but did what he was told. He licked his lips subconsciously as he glanced at Dean watching him.

"Mmm. Should have made you do that sooner, " Dean murmured. He shook his head, trying to snap out of it while Cas just grinned.

"See how it's nice and slick? It makes things slip and slide easier.  No drag, right?" Dean continued.

Cas nodded, not breaking Dean's gaze.

"Feel good? "

"Yesss," Cas hissed.

"So, you should use it when you uh... you know..."

"Fuck," Cas finished breathlessly.

Dean felt his face redden. "Uh yeah. That. Jesus, could you stop saying that word so casually?"   He suddenly realized he'd never been nervous about sex in his life until this very moment.  It was a strange, surreal feeling. 

Cas rolled his eyes.  " _You_ say it all the time!"

"Well yeah but not... forget it."  He shook his head, then took another deep breath before taking some lube in his hand.  "Alright, my turn," he said as he lay down next to him and nudged his hand out of the way.  Cas relaxed and moaned as Dean took over, stroking him firmly as he let their lips meet again. "You sure about this?" he whispered again as he pulled away.

Cas moaned again and nodded.  "We can always stop, right?"

"Of course.  Knees up for me," he commanded.  Gently, Dean fondled his balls and then let a finger slip back behind them, tracing around the puckered flesh as Cas squirmed.

"You okay?"

"Tickles," Cas breathed.

Dean smiled and continued running little circles around his entrance as Cas shivered in delight. "There are lots of sensitive nerve endings there," he murmured softly as he let his tongue lick into Cas's mouth.  Cas kissed back hungrily, and Dean gently let the tip of his lube-slicked finger dip into him before returning to caressing strokes.

Cas's eyes widened as he felt the intrusion, but as quickly as it arrived, it was gone, and teasing little circles were being rubbed against him again.

Dean paused to add more lube, and continued, his finger barely teasing into him again and again. "Think you're ready?" he whispered.

Cas took a deep breath and nodded. "Is it going to hurt?" he asked weakly.

Dean shook his head. "I'm just gonna use my finger for now.  And no, it won't hurt as long as we use lots of lube and take it slow. Might be a little uncomfortable at first until you get used to it though. And I want you to talk to me, okay? Tell me if it's too much or you need to stop."

Cas bit his lip and nodded again, somewhat anxiously.

"Alright," Dean whispered.  "Let your muscles relax and push into it, okay?" Slowly, he let his finger slide in, kissing him softly to distract him.

Cas pushed and to his surprise, it slipped in easily.

"You okay?"

Cas nodded breathlessly.  "Not nearly as bad as I thought it would be."    He'd expected some pain, expected to feel violated again, but strangely, he didn't.  He felt... well, he didn't know what he felt yet, but it wasn't _bad_.

Dean breathed a sigh of relief.  "Good.  So this will help stretch and relax your muscles a little before anything... uh, bigger goes in there."  He slowly pushed his finger in and out.  "Look at me," he commanded as Cas tensed up ever-so-slightly.

Cas's eyes found his and he relaxed again.  "Sorry," he said sheepishly.

"It's okay.  I mean it though, if you want to stop..."

"No," Cas interrupted.

"Alright," Dean said.  "But you're totally in control here.  We're doing this for _fun_.  If it's not fun, tell me."

Cas smiled faintly.  "I love you, Dean," he murmured.  A wave of calm spread over him as he sensed the concern in Dean's eyes.  There was a reason this was much easier than he expected:  Dean loved him.  And Dean would never hurt him.  Those two thoughts echoed through his brain as he stared up into Dean's bright green eyes, so full of love and tenderness it nearly took his breath away.

Dean crooked his finger inside of him and began softly stroking, rubbing little circles inside him until suddenly Cas moaned and jerked forward.

"Dean!" he exclaimed, though he wasn't sure why.  He'd felt that sensation before, but he'd associated it with the accompanying pain, so it wasn't pleasant at all.  There was no pain this time, just a toe-curling pleasure that tore through him, catching him completely off-guard

Dean paused.  "You okay?"

Cas nodded weakly.  "What the hell was that?" he panted.

Dean squinted in confusion.  "Your prostate," he laughed softly.  "Never felt that before?"

"Kind of.  Not exactly. Not like this..." he struggled.

"Well," Dean sighed.  He hated that Cas's first introduction to this had been so damn awful.  "It's _supposed_ to feel good.  But you need to warm up a little first.  Stretch, and lube..."

"Keep doing that," Cas interrupted.

Dean laughed and obliged, mouthing at Cas's neck as he did. "I guess it feels good then?" he asked again, a bit breathlessly this time. Now that Cas was getting into it, he felt he could finally let his guard down a bit. He'd still have to be careful, but...

Cas suddenly moaned and bucked his hips while his fingertips gripped tightly at the sheets. "Dean... Wait, "he squeaked.

Dean immediately pulled back in a panic. "Shit, " he muttered, fearing the worst. "Shit, shit, shit. You okay?" he asked.

"F...fine," Cas stuttered. "I'm just... going to come if you keep doing that..."

Dean grinned. "That's kind of the point, Cas."

"No, I mean... I don't want to just yet... not until..." he gasped in between breaths.

"Oh!" Dean exclaimed. " Right." He reached back into the drawer and located a condom. "See this? This is important whenever you're with somebody," he said quietly. "I dunno how well borrowed Grace works, but you don't want to catch any human diseases."

Cas watched wide-eyed as he rolled it down over his erect cock. He paled a bit before he spoke again. "Dean... He didn't... do you think I..." he was having trouble forming the words.

"I think we probably would have noticed by now if you did. But if you're worried, I can take you to get checked out, just in case," he assured him.

Cas nodded nervously.

Dean rolled flat onto his back and applied some lube as Cas watched. "Now," he said. " _If_ you still want to do this - and you don't have to - I want you on top."

"What? I... um... don't really know what I'm doing."

"All the more reason, then. That way you're totally in control of this."

Cas glanced at his waist and took in a shaky breath to calm himself.

"You don't have to, Cas," Dean reminded him gently.

Cas shushed him by climbing on top of him. "Now what?" he laughed anxiously.

Dean grinned. He took his cock in hand and positioned Cas over top of it, lining himself up. "When you're ready, take a deep breath and try to relax your muscles. Push into it if you need to. It'll be uncomfortable at first but it shouldn't hurt, okay? If it hurts, tell me."

Cas closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths. Dean placed his other hand comfortingly on his hip and Cas suddenly pushed down onto him. He grunted a few times, but managed to work his way down onto Dean's lap. His eyes opened and his jaw dropped as he sat there silently panting with his hands pressed to Dean's chest.

"Talk to me, " Dean whispered.  "What are you feeling?"

"I'm okay," Cas said breathlessly.

"Take your time."  He took Cas's hands in his own for a moment as he gazed up at him.  "You can stop any time," he whispered.  "You're safe.  You're with me."

Cas smiled.  "I'm okay, Dean.  This is... different than last time."

"Good."   As Cas tentatively raised and lowered himself a few times, Dean bit his lip to hold back a moan. He'd been trying so hard to keep himself calm, but _holy shit_ he was aching with need.  So when Cas suddenly pulled back, he couldn't help the whine that rose from his throat, and he immediately hurried to apologize.

"Sorry, I..."

"Dean," Cas said softly.  He  rolled off of him and tugged at his wrist until Dean was on top of him.  "Please.  I want you to."

Dean pressed their lips together and kissed him hard, tangling and caressing their tongues in a desperate, needy hunger. He had applied more lube before they'd even pulled away, and a second later, he had pushed Cas's knees back toward his chest and was gently thrusting inside him.

"You okay? " he asked in a husky voice.

Cas smiled and nodded.

"Good." He quickened his motions a bit, watching Cas intently in case he should get overwhelmed. "How do you feel?" he breathed.

"It's... oh! It's starting to feel really... ohhhh... _good_ ," he stammered, somewhat amazed at this revelation.

Dean managed a lazy, blissful smile. _"This_ is how it's supposed to feel, Cas," he whispered. "Anyone that gets to do this with you should be completely fuckin' honored. They should be worshiping that beautiful body of yours," he said, pressing forward for another kiss and Cas possessively clutched at him. "They should be kissing you when you want to be kissed, and holding you when you want to be held. And when you're ready," he said, raising back up to his knees and thrusting a little faster, "they should be making you feel better than you've ever felt. They should be making your toes curl every night," he smiled and nibbled at one of those curled toes just inches from his face.

Cas arched his back and moaned wantonly beneath him.

"You're so... mmm... beautiful, Cas, " Dean continued as he sped up again. It was getting harder to talk now, but he couldn't help trying. He knew he was being completely mushy and chick-flick-y but he didn't care. Apparently Cas had brought it out in him over these past few months. He could tell Cas was close from the noises he was making so he doubled down, wrapping Cas's legs around his his hips as he began thrusting faster. "Cas," he barely managed. "Touch yourself for me, baby."

As if the thought never occurred to him, Cas suddenly whimpered and began stroking himself. It didn't take long before he was thrashing helplessly on the bed. "Dean! Oh! Oh! Dean! "

Dean grinned and licked his lips as the sight overwhelmed him. Cas's orgasm face was just something to behold. The way his mouth parted while his eyes clamped shut, the bright pink flush to his cheeks, the messy tangle of bedhead... Just watching him was enough to send him hurtling over the edge.

"Fuck... Ohh Cas. Mmm. Oh! Yeah! Yeah! Fuuuck! " his hips stuttered as he came hard before pulling out and crashing down on top of him. He couldn't stop his hands from stroking everywhere and he lavished Cas's face and neck with kisses. "God I love you," he murmured.

Cas wrapped his legs tighter around his torso and gripped him close, arching his head back as Dean sucked and nibbled at his neck. "I love you too," he whispered.

After a few minutes of nuzzling and gentle kisses, Dean finally rolled off of him, tossing the condom in a nearby waste can. "Guess I should grab us a towel, huh?" he grimaced, glancing at the mess between them.

Cas smiled lazily and shoved him down, curling up next to him. "Don't bother. " He brushed his fingers against Dean's forehead, and with a tiny flash of white light, the mess was gone.

Dean stared at him, dumbfounded. "What? But... How?"

Cas chuckled. "I do have _some_ Grace, even if it's not my own. I've gotten stronger, Dean. I was so weak for a while that I didn't even possess the will to make it work," he mused.  "I was scared and depressed  _before_ all this happened, so that didn't help. It _will_ burn out eventually, and I need to conserve what I have, but something this tiny won't hurt."

Dean sighed contentedly and raked his fingers through the back of Cas's sweaty hair. "So I guess you're really okay."

Cas nodded. "I'm sure it's not just over that easily, but right now, yes. I'm better than okay." He snuggled in closer.

Dean yawned sleepily. "Things aren't going to change for us once you get your mojo back, right?"

"Of course not, " Cas said tenderly.  "Soon as I get my Grace back, I'll be back here every night..." he winked. 

"M'gonna miss you, " Dean slurred. He was feeling rather mushy and sentimental now, but he was also having trouble keeping his eyes open.

Cas sighed heavily. "I'll miss you too. But I'll be back as soon as I can. I promise. And we can still talk every day, you know. You can call me anytime."

Dean brightened a little. "True."  He laughed softly.  "You're going to get the dirtiest phone calls..."

"What?"

"Oh, you know, a little dirty talk, maybe a little jerking off together..." Dean teased.

Cas's face flamed red in embarrassment as he simpered.  "I suppose that's inevitable.  Let's get some sleep now, Dean.  I have to leave in the morning, and you have a Knight of Hell to find."

:::::::::::::::::::::::

Dean didn't even have to roll over to know that Cas was already gone when he awoke. His bed, which had once been so warm and inviting with Cas suddenly felt empty and cold. He pulled the blankets up to his chin and sighed. It was par for the course, he supposed. Happiness was something Dean rarely found in his life, and when he did, it sure as hell didn't stick around. Jesus, this shouldn't be so hard. It wasn't like he was never going to see him again.  Still, he lay there for an hour or so feeling sorry for himself before he heard a knock on the door.

"Hey guys? " Sam's voice called. "I just got a weird phone call... Garth is in the hospital. We should probably go check on him."

Dean sighed again and sat up, wiping at the few tears that had spilled over onto his cheeks. "Coming, Sammy. " He stretched as he stood then slowly turned around to make the bed. He really didn't want to look at Cas's side, but there, in his spot, resting on his pillow, were the two stuffed bees they'd won at the festival.  He smiled and picked one up, knocking the tiny note on it to the floor. 

 _Dean,_  
_Stop crying, you big sap. I'll call you tonight._  
_Cas_

Dean couldn't help but laugh as he read it. "Smartass," he mumbled as he dug through his dresser for some clean clothes.

Sam stopped in his tracks as Dean came bounding down the stairs alone.  "Cas isn't coming? " He was so used to them being attached at the hip these days, it was strange to see one without the other.

"No..."

Sam frowned.

"He uh. Cas left this morning."

"You mean... _left_ left?" Sam asked in confusion.

"Yeah."

Sam intently searched Dean's face for some sort of reaction, as he struggled to find the right words to say. 

"Don't give me the puppy eyes. We knew this day was coming," Dean said resolutely.

"I know," Sam said quietly. "Doesn't make it suck any less."

Dean sighed and nodded in agreement. "Well, let's get on the road. Where did you say Garth was?" he asked, not really listening for a response.

Sam took the keys from his hands and threw an arm around him as they headed toward the Impala. "You gonna be alright?"

Dean paused a moment before he answered. "Yeah. I am. Maybe not right this minute, but I will be."  

Sam smiled as he climbed into the driver's seat. "Good."


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks, all. I was going to end it with the last chapter, but decided we needed a little follow-up epilogue of sorts here. Thanks for all the kind words and kudos. <3

"Hello, Dean," Cas's voice echoed through the slightly fuzzy reception of Dean's cell phone.

"Cas!" Dean replied, perhaps a little too eagerly.  It had only been a week since Cas left, and though he'd never admit it out loud, he'd been having a hard time going back to normal.  The bunker and his bed were a constant memory of Cas, and keeping busy was the only thing saving him from breaking down like a lovesick, heartbroken teenager.  He knew it was ridiculous, and he knew it would get easier, but right now he was still busy feeling sorry for himself. 

"Where _are_ you?" Cas asked, listening questioningly to the background noise.

"Oh.  We're in Minnesota.  At some day spa.  Hold on, let me go someplace else," Dean said, doing his best to find a quiet space to talk. 

"I didn't take you for a spa guy," Cas laughed softly.  

Dean snorted.  "Pssh.  We're working a job. Though I might give in and get a massage with the hot masseuse down there," he teased, instantly regretting it when he heard Cas huff into the phone.

"Dean..."

"I'm just kidding," he apologized, pausing to take a deep breath.   "I miss you.  Haven't been sleeping well without you here.  I slept with a damn stuffed bumblebee last night because it smelled like you," he blurted sheepishly.   
  
"You did?"  Cas chuckled.   "That's sweet.  I miss you too.  I'm sorry, Dean."

"S'okay.  So how's your search going?"

"It's going," Cas sighed. " I don't have much to go on yet, honestly.  I guess I should have done this weeks ago."

"No," Dean interrupted.  "You needed to take the time to rest and recover, Cas.  How are you doing, anyway?"

A long silence fell over the line as Cas nervously fumbled with the sleeve of his trench coat.   
  
"Cas?"  
  
"I found him."

Dean froze as a wave of nausea washed over him.  "Him?  You mean?   Holy shit... are you okay?  What happened?"

"I... I was going to kill him, Dean," Cas's voice wavered.  "But I couldn't do it.   I don't know why."

"Oh... So what did you do?"

Cas sighed again.  "Well, I got angry. _Really_ angry. So angry that I let my true form show.  Except it wasn't completely  _me_ without my own Grace. It was... well, probably scarier than usual."

Dean swallowed hard.  Sometimes it was so easy to forget that his somewhat naive, mild-mannered friend was a powerful-as-fuck celestial being.  "What happened?"

Cas paused as he floundered awkwardly toward his admission.  "I burned his eyes out.  I... I didn't mean to!  I didn't mean to show my form either, it just happened!   I guess I still need to work on controlling my anger," he grimaced.

Dean burst out laughing.  "I'm sorry!  I'm sorry.  I know it's horrible of me to laugh, but that dick got what was coming to him."

"I guess so.  But for some reason, I still feel bad about it," Cas lamented.

"Well, you didn't do it on purpose.  And hey, you didn't kill him.  As easily as you could have, and as much as I _want_ to, I think that's a good thing.  Says a lot about your character, Cas," Dean said softly.  "I think you've nailed this 'being human' thing."

Another long silence filled the line as Cas sat there silently contemplating for a few minutes.  "Thank you, Dean.  That means a lot."

Dean smiled sadly.  "So when am I going to see you again?"

"Soon, I hope."

"Me too.  Shit's kind of hitting the fan here.  The search for Abaddon continues.  Sammy and I have been arguing a lot.  It's like while you were here, he forgot about how pissed he was about the whole Gadreel disaster.  Now that you're gone, I'm getting the cold shoulder again.  Not that I blame him, but it's still hard."

"He'll get over it.  You couldn't let him die, Dean.  You did what you had to do. "  
  
 "Well, I still don't feel good about it."

"I know,"  Cas murmured.  "I'm sorry things are hard right now.  You can always call me if you want to talk.  Or I could come back..."

"No," Dean said softly.  "No, Cas.  Go find your Grace.  Come back to me after."

"I'll always come back to you, Dean.  Promise.  No matter how bad things get for us."

The sincerity in his voice had Dean wiping at his eyes again, and he felt, for the first time in his life, maybe he could believe that.  "Well we survived the apocalypse together.  Well, kind of," he laughed.  "We're still here at least.  Or we're still here _again_?  Fuck, you know what I mean."

Cas laughed.  "Yes, Dean.  And we'll survive this too.  One way or another."

"Yeah," Dean nodded to himself. "Hey Cas?"

"Hmm?"

"Not to change the subject, but... have I told you how much I want you lately? "

"Dean," Cas gasped in shy protest.  "Wait.   _Not to change the subject_?  No offense, but that was _totally_ changing the..."

"Shhhhh.   Just go with it.  Ohhh the things I want to do to you, Cas..." Dean purred, completely ignoring Cas's argument.

Cas just shook his head in amusement.  "...like what? "

Dean grinned. "I want to slowly strip every article of clothing off of you, lie you down on my bed, and start by kissing you until you're dizzy with _need_. Then I want to kiss and lick a trail down your chest and stomach..."

"Ohhh, " Cas whispered breathlessly.

"Then I want to take you into my mouth and suck and lick you until you're so hard you'll be begging me to let you come..."

"Mmmm..."  Cas hummed deep in his throat.

"But I won't let you come yet until you get up on me and fuck me senseless," Dean whispered.

"Dean!"  Cas panted. "You'd like that?"

"Mmmhmm." Dean could hear Cas subconsciously licking his lips through the phone. "I want you to so badly..."

"Maybe I _should_ come back. Just to visit..." Cas breathed. "You know, now that I've recharged a little, I can travel again.   I tried it today.  It shouldn't use too much of my Grace..." he said, thinking out loud.

"Yeah?"  Dean asked gleefully.  "Then I guess that might be okay... wha..." His voice was suddenly replaced by loud rustling and muffled arguing over the phone line.

"Alright, alright!" Dean muttered. "Hey Cas, Sammy's on my case to get off the phone.  I guess I'd better go. There's some weird shit going on here."

Cas laughed. "I see how it is.  You get me all excited and then leave?"

"Not like I'm any happier about it," he grumbled.  "Dude, I have to go work with a raging hard-on now."

"Hey, that's your own fault.  You started it," Cas grinned.  "Call me when you're done, and I'll see you tonight."  
  
"I will.  Hey Cas?" Dean said.  "It's good to hear you smiling again."  
  
"You can hear that?"  
  
"Mmmhmm."  
  
"Well, that's your fault too."  
  
Dean smiled.   "I guess I can live with that.  Alright!  I've got to go before Sam kills me.  See you tonight."  
  
"Tonight.  Goodbye, Dean."  
  
"Bye, Cas."  
  
"Hey.  I love you."  
  
"I love you too."


End file.
